x-zT-X-Tz-x

Shea wants to  take me to his campsite in the woods at couger.
A year ago I wouldn't have even talked to him about such stuff since a year ago this time I was nun coming out of trance to dirty pig ben.
Kim is worthy of one thing if she wants physical contact
it will be with her mirror then.
An ugly insane monster is what I fuct to break from over a year long celibacy.
Took that break to recover from fact I was junk and would be asaulted as junk while again involved in getting to the root of evil inside a man I had loved, even though not in love, had tried to be a friend to him and it was so off balance from the get-go
because the piece of shit i had relations with prior to him
started my downward spiral into the pit i sit in now.
rejected and put down.
when my friend in chicago
told me how fuct i really was
and ended it abruptly two years ago
never again to speak to him
i would find out the other nite
i have to mourn it and grieve since i have been in
denial for two years.
typical time-frame for dealing with the death of a loved one.
when that happened.
well, that was the turning point.
seeing i might just be someone else;s idea of a funny joke
lets talk dingbat into joining the oto so we can use her to do it
and when she;s finished it won't matter to her anymore
to be a part of a peer group
to be a part of
anything
cuz she wont care anymore
about life amongst the living
it would take a dead soul not a shell
a living dead soul of love
to do it
knowing i would not get a thing in return
because that's how i have always operated and functioned i never
expected much though at time felt i deserved at least a little better
then
i expect nothing because there is nothing
worth fighting for in this flesh world
there is no true love
i was sent here to do the job
and die
that's how it appears
truly
i used sabotage my happiness
because i was afraid to receive a good-thing because it be taken away or disappear suddenly never to return
and used to do it knowing it was the wrong thing to be doing , why i entered the years of therapy
then i learned it was ok to give me permission to at least try to be better to myself in a relationship with me. and i have achieved that over the years in this past 11
i know how to be alone.
and what to do to stay busy.
i had livihood.
finished with the work
i am ruined inside by what i know
and i can't think much about anything else
sine i am caught up in it
and its pretty bleak
was thinking about the fact i have been living a fantasy
i believed more humans liked me than not, that I was admired and worthy of
but the actions are tellingf a different story
and along the way i pretended it wasnt' happening
the fact i was being raped pillaged pkundedrd drowned stalked death threats running
losing everytbing
telling myself it wasn't bad as it seemed
and holding certain ones high in my memory by talking to them in the airs
as if they were actually there
like methy
imaginary friend
in realtime
a cold hearted human with good heart sharing his knowledge but betraying me
i was duped into an occult worl didnt want to go forth with
with those beings when i met them all
i didnj't like half of them
and the mentor disappeared
and when he showed he was usually putting me down
pointing out how fuct i am always
and in the end i see
i am the joke of the aeon
i'll bet he laffed ass of after he cut off in august of 2009
i'll they all celebrated their freeom the lights are all on
the bitch did the dirty need
she'll fold
can't take on a bunch of archetypes shes bent
and sick
twisted and warped out
when she dies
dont be surprised
who cares
you made it clear you dont
i tried
i am an idiot
my hand is ruined
my left one
they had to basically
HACK THE FUCK OUT OF IT AN DAM  COMING INTO REALITY IT WILL TRULY NEVER EVER BE THE SAME
I CANT CUT MY FINGER NAILS ON THE RIGHT HAND WITH OUT HACKING IN TO THE NAIL BED
CUZ I HAVE NO STRENGTH NO GRIP


SO THE SHUNNING
OR ABANDONMENT
WAS THEIR WAY OF TELLING ME
THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME
THEY NEVER DID
THEY JUST NEEDED MY ABVILITY TO DO THE WORK THEY DIDN'T WANT TO?
I WAS USED
TO TURN THE TREE OF LIFE ON
EVERYBODY BENEFITS
CEPT ME
I MEAN IT
I WANT LIFE NO MORE
I HAVE BEEN DOING THINGS THIS YEAR
THAT MAKE IT CLEAR
I  AM HURTING MY BODY
IN WAYS THAT ARE SIGNS
14 YEARS AGO I FAILED WHEN I SLICED THROUGH THE TWO ARTERIES IN UPPER RIGHT ARM BLED OUT DIED AND
HERE I AM
I WAS TOLD I HAVE LESSON NOW TO LEARN FROM THEN

I AM THINKING THIS TIME I DO IT I DO IT RIGHT
BLOW OUT THE BRAINS
NO
DEATHWISH
I HAVE HAD SEVERAL BRUSHES
WITH CARS WANTING TO HIT
ME
WITH ME SMASHING IT THE SIDEWALK AND BUSHES TO AVOID HITTING WOMAN

WILL IT

WITH THE HELP OF MY ENEMIES
MAYBE IT WILL COME TO PASS