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WHEN I OD'D IT WAS AN ACCIDENT
I WAS NOT THINKING AT ALL I TOLD THEM
I FELT GOOD I RECALL
I HAD DIED ON THE TABLE AT THE HOSPITAL
NO THEY SAID I WAS RESUSSICITATED AFTER MY HEART STOPPED AND WAS NOT BREATHING AND THEY HAD TO PUMP MY STOMACH UNCONSCIOUS ONCE THEY GOT EVERYTHING GOING.
I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN SINCE I HAD NO DEATH EXPERIENCE MEMORY THAT TIME
ALSO
I HAD MANAGED TO HACK INTO LOWER LEFT ARM WITH A BLOODY MARY KNIFE PLUS WOKE UP IN  PSYCH WARD WITH TWO NEW TATTOOS ON MY LEFT FOREARM, REPLICAS OF MY BELOVED RICKS
AN INVERTED CROSS GOUDGED IN WITH A ROUGH OBJECT AND A PERFECT TRIANGLE SAVE FOR A SMALL ENTRY IN ONE CORNER, WHICH REMINDS ME OF CROWLEY AND HIS LIL BOOBOO WHEN DRAWING DOWN HIS RING AND HIS TRIANGLE
LEAVING A PORTAL
I CALL MINE A DOOR
EITHER WAY
I WAS ROUGH AND IT SCARED ME AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY BOY SINCE HE HATED LIVING WITH HIS DAD WHO WAS NEVER HOME HE AND KLARKE ALONE ALL THE TIME WITHOUT MOM ALL THEY EVER WANTED WAS JUST TO BE WITH ME AND THEIR DAD IS A CRUEL EVIL SONOFABITCH
SO MY KIDS WOULD DIE A MILLION DEATHS WITH THEIR MOM OVER THE PHONE
TEARS CALLS EVERY DAY
FIGHTING
THE DAD NEVER AROUND
IT WAS NIGHTMARE I HAD TO STAY WITH THE MILITARY IF I LEFT MY HUSBAND IT WOULD MEAN TROUBLE.
IT'S WEIRD THE RULES YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW WHEN YOU'RE NEWLWED MILTARY WIFE THEY WANT YOU THERE FOR YOUR MAN AS MORAL SUPPORT AND EXPECY YOU TO BE SOLDIER TUFF AS WELL AS THE KIDS AND NOBODY FOLLOWED THRU aa promised, that being rick since he was the only way we could get JAG to help it would have to be thenenlisted one who does al lthe talking ..that's th4e way it works.
legally i had the boys 9 mos out of the year year after year...when rick and i married kent and i counseled in eugene with a mediator and the boys and we all sat and talked and the boys had made it pretty clear for being just little kids, that they wanted to continue with mom, they wanted to move to texas and were anxious to do so right away. kent's telling the room he wants to wait until xmas (this was early sept 95) and the kritty started to cry
and his dad is going to sit there and tell the room no he's going to agree to the mediator on a date, it would be either end of septenmber once i got settled or no later than the beginning of xmas they'd be moving to texas at xmas vavcaation
neither boy wanted to wait they wamted go the day rick  and i left alone
and it was the worst time of my life because i had made a decision to go thru with the marriage only because i saw it as the way out to get my boy s away ONCE AND FOR ALL From an evil, abusive father who had no issue beaten me up or stalking or screaming
the boys were beinghomschooled
kent hated everything and iwanted peace
and the kids wanted it too
they were scared
klarke told me point blank once, "I DON"T LIKE PAPA ANYMORE MAMA,"
oh?
"yEAH, HE'S AN IDIOT, A JERK."
klarke~!?
hE WAS IN THE 6th or 7th grade by then
AND TELLING  me things like his dad embarassed him because he is so stupid some of the time
and you
know
it's true
that's why i got out of it.
i was just dumb naive girl in love
intellectually top of the heap otherwise
a \complete flop
on alll levels
how could have known at age 20 the dynbamics of abuse in `980
gimme a break
so here it is 30 yrs later
and kent never told the truth never came clean my mother to do this believes he never did anything wrong
my dad knows he cheated on me and he lied my dad know he was a mean man and my dad also knows its too late to do anytbing different
so they all repeated their family dysfuntiopns nobody of thethree ever participated in family therapy groups though they were intgral and invited to  do
my sons did
so the dad mom and kids dad are all still  in denial dad supports it even though he knows the truth
he beats me to and has hurt me and shit my dad.
so they say i am totally fuct up cuz i am the only one taking the sensitive truth to heart and wanting to fix it and cant they help in paving a better way fo rthe boyS?
fuck know.
they're in to this.
they love hurting kim
torturing her
kim hates it
kim wants no rough harmful
play nor pain
no bondage no whips or chains no rough sex nor oh no nevermind
they play to hurt
they all have a common bond and it has nothing to do with the truth nor the belief in a creator, they are all non believers and man it shows.
i never it so dark
in my parents home
i was definitely rock solid in my defense when i arrived adamantly opposed to things i had learned to dislike living at the mission long enough to not want drink and hand not save for new years day and the 11the of january. twice i drank to get rid of pain in arm and knock me.
at the folks, i am stealthy upon arriveal crystal clear on my intent and uninterested in using anything but the shake i had since i wanted to gradually wean from weed and slow down after surgery
exercise and take good care of myself
instead i got two parents that have to be rereminded about a zillion things they have no memory of most of the past i recall and also they are damaged by the tvs and shit
i feel
so it's ok i just sit and wonder
what it's going to take to preserve civility and keep it that way until i move back to the valley..
and knowing the way operate
i don't go there hoping to be hurt again
i dont'want any trouble really
but that's all know how to do
and agitate and dad is dictyator and tyrant and alkie and he will raise his hand a lot at me just because now he wants to strike because i am 512 and am sitting there confident and  speaking abold truth that will piss him off so much he's going to snap on  me left and right
why?
cuz hes an alkie
everyone who hooked into the world of the dope show and booze wagon doubley screwed
here i am
nothing
i do things
that allow for spark to fly but that's about it
i do things alone and not for social interest
i have used drugs for so long for a variety of reasons and i see all over the place my life included, the destruction of life due to substance ABUSE,
i abused my self out of disrespect when i got the notion to go outside and just get some speed
i dont know wht came over me
sincerely
i have never sought it out like that
and
i have never paid that amount for it
and i would have nver used that maount i aas treating the asshole who got it
and instead i am reminded as i am being busted that i ahd made a pact with myself after the deal with dave in june
i hate the taste and i hate the company enough to just say fucking forget it and its easy to do.
i dunno man, i think my sex signals are crossing with my death signals and they all think i want to fuck their hard ons when i want to die.
not orgasm, it won't happen with some ashole i don't know i cant eve n think anymore
i want to go