WHEN I OD'D IT WAS AN ACCIDENT
I WAS NOT THINKING AT ALL I TOLD THEM
I FELT GOOD I RECALL
I HAD DIED ON THE TABLE AT THE HOSPITAL
NO THEY SAID I WAS RESUSSICITATED AFTER MY HEART STOPPED AND WAS NOT BREATHING AND THEY HAD TO PUMP MY STOMACH UNCONSCIOUS ONCE THEY GOT EVERYTHING GOING.
I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN SINCE I HAD NO DEATH EXPERIENCE MEMORY THAT TIME
ALSO
I HAD MANAGED TO HACK INTO LOWER LEFT ARM WITH A BLOODY MARY KNIFE PLUS WOKE UP IN PSYCH WARD WITH TWO NEW TATTOOS ON MY LEFT FOREARM, REPLICAS OF MY BELOVED RICKS
AN INVERTED CROSS GOUDGED IN WITH A ROUGH OBJECT AND A PERFECT TRIANGLE SAVE FOR A SMALL ENTRY IN ONE CORNER, WHICH REMINDS ME OF CROWLEY AND HIS LIL BOOBOO WHEN DRAWING DOWN HIS RING AND HIS TRIANGLE
LEAVING A PORTAL
I CALL MINE A DOOR
EITHER WAY
I WAS ROUGH AND IT SCARED ME AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY BOY SINCE HE HATED LIVING WITH HIS DAD WHO WAS NEVER HOME HE AND KLARKE ALONE ALL THE TIME WITHOUT MOM ALL THEY EVER WANTED WAS JUST TO BE WITH ME AND THEIR DAD IS A CRUEL EVIL SONOFABITCH
SO MY KIDS WOULD DIE A MILLION DEATHS WITH THEIR MOM OVER THE PHONE
TEARS CALLS EVERY DAY
FIGHTING
THE DAD NEVER AROUND
IT WAS NIGHTMARE I HAD TO STAY WITH THE MILITARY IF I LEFT MY HUSBAND IT WOULD MEAN TROUBLE.
IT'S WEIRD THE RULES YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW WHEN YOU'RE NEWLWED MILTARY WIFE THEY WANT YOU THERE FOR YOUR MAN AS MORAL SUPPORT AND EXPECY YOU TO BE SOLDIER TUFF AS WELL AS THE KIDS AND NOBODY FOLLOWED THRU aa promised, that being rick since he was the only way we could get JAG to help it would have to be thenenlisted one who does al lthe talking ..that's th4e way it works.
legally i had the boys 9 mos out of the year year after year...when rick and i married kent and i counseled in eugene with a mediator and the boys and we all sat and talked and the boys had made it pretty clear for being just little kids, that they wanted to continue with mom, they wanted to move to texas and were anxious to do so right away. kent's telling the room he wants to wait until xmas (this was early sept 95) and the kritty started to cry
and his dad is going to sit there and tell the room no he's going to agree to the mediator on a date, it would be either end of septenmber once i got settled or no later than the beginning of xmas they'd be moving to texas at xmas vavcaation
neither boy wanted to wait they wamted go the day rick and i left alone
and it was the worst time of my life because i had made a decision to go thru with the marriage only because i saw it as the way out to get my boy s away ONCE AND FOR ALL From an evil, abusive father who had no issue beaten me up or stalking or screaming
the boys were beinghomschooled
kent hated everything and iwanted peace
and the kids wanted it too
they were scared
klarke told me point blank once, "I DON"T LIKE PAPA ANYMORE MAMA,"
oh?
"yEAH, HE'S AN IDIOT, A JERK."
klarke~!?
hE WAS IN THE 6th or 7th grade by then
AND TELLING me things like his dad embarassed him because he is so stupid some of the time
and you
know
it's true
that's why i got out of it.
i was just dumb naive girl in love
intellectually top of the heap otherwise
a \complete flop
on alll levels
how could have known at age 20 the dynbamics of abuse in `980
gimme a break
so here it is 30 yrs later
and kent never told the truth never came clean my mother to do this believes he never did anything wrong
my dad knows he cheated on me and he lied my dad know he was a mean man and my dad also knows its too late to do anytbing different
so they all repeated their family dysfuntiopns nobody of thethree ever participated in family therapy groups though they were intgral and invited to do
my sons did
so the dad mom and kids dad are all still in denial dad supports it even though he knows the truth
he beats me to and has hurt me and shit my dad.
so they say i am totally fuct up cuz i am the only one taking the sensitive truth to heart and wanting to fix it and cant they help in paving a better way fo rthe boyS?
fuck know.
they're in to this.
they love hurting kim
torturing her
kim hates it
kim wants no rough harmful
play nor pain
no bondage no whips or chains no rough sex nor oh no nevermind
they play to hurt
they all have a common bond and it has nothing to do with the truth nor the belief in a creator, they are all non believers and man it shows.
i never it so dark
in my parents home
i was definitely rock solid in my defense when i arrived adamantly opposed to things i had learned to dislike living at the mission long enough to not want drink and hand not save for new years day and the 11the of january. twice i drank to get rid of pain in arm and knock me.
at the folks, i am stealthy upon arriveal crystal clear on my intent and uninterested in using anything but the shake i had since i wanted to gradually wean from weed and slow down after surgery
exercise and take good care of myself
instead i got two parents that have to be rereminded about a zillion things they have no memory of most of the past i recall and also they are damaged by the tvs and shit
i feel
so it's ok i just sit and wonder
what it's going to take to preserve civility and keep it that way until i move back to the valley..
and knowing the way operate
i don't go there hoping to be hurt again
i dont'want any trouble really
but that's all know how to do
and agitate and dad is dictyator and tyrant and alkie and he will raise his hand a lot at me just because now he wants to strike because i am 512 and am sitting there confident and speaking abold truth that will piss him off so much he's going to snap on me left and right
why?
cuz hes an alkie
everyone who hooked into the world of the dope show and booze wagon doubley screwed
here i am
nothing
i do things
that allow for spark to fly but that's about it
i do things alone and not for social interest
i have used drugs for so long for a variety of reasons and i see all over the place my life included, the destruction of life due to substance ABUSE,
i abused my self out of disrespect when i got the notion to go outside and just get some speed
i dont know wht came over me
sincerely
i have never sought it out like that
and
i have never paid that amount for it
and i would have nver used that maount i aas treating the asshole who got it
and instead i am reminded as i am being busted that i ahd made a pact with myself after the deal with dave in june
i hate the taste and i hate the company enough to just say fucking forget it and its easy to do.
i dunno man, i think my sex signals are crossing with my death signals and they all think i want to fuck their hard ons when i want to die.
not orgasm, it won't happen with some ashole i don't know i cant eve n think anymore
i want to go
Sunday, August 21, 2011
UR DIX R KILLING ME
STILL, IT'S STRANGE TO BE WHERE I AM THESE DAYS. I DON'T LIKE IT.
NOT AT ALL.
AFTER THE ORDEAL WITH ANDREAS.
IT WAS THE FINAL BLOW TO MY FEMININE.
YET IT HAS TRIGGERED A HORRIBLE SITUATION WHERE I HAVE THE MEN WITH HARD ONS
I AM UNABLE TO RECEIVE ANY OF THOSE ATTENTIONS WITH ANYTHING BUT SORROW AND HATE FOR MY SELF SINCE I CAN'T EVEN THINK OR IMAGINE ABOUT IT ANYMORE
I CAN'T EVEN IF I WANTED TO BECAUSE MY SELF ESTEEM AROUND NAKEDNESS, INTIMACY, NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH, BEING COMPARED TO OTHERS, ETC
I HAVE BEEM THROUGH THAT EVERY STINKING TIME I AM EITHER HIT ON, GO THROUGH WITH IT OR REJECT SOME MASTURBATING ASSHOLE. I EXPERIENCE THE SELF-LOATHING, THEY'VE MADE IT CLEAR \
I AM A FUCK BOT
I AM AN OBJECT WORTH Y OF SHIT LIKE dave
BUT I AM A SIDE-KICK TO A BEAUTIFUL MAN ALREADY INVOLVED WITH LOVER AND I WOULD BE HIS SIDE FUCK
JIMBO, SAME. I WENT TO REVCOVER FROM SURGERY AND HE'S SO SICK AND WARPED OUT HE;S GONE DOWN HILL
I HAVE GOTTEN YOUNGER LOOKING THEY SAY
I CAN SEE IT IN MY FACE
BUT MY BODY IS A JUNKYARD
IT'S FINISHED.
PAST MY PRIME MY TIME
I AM WAITING FOR IT TO GO SO I CAN TOO. IF MY SONS ARE WITH ME THAT'D BE SUPER COOL
I WANT TO BE WHEREVER THEY ARE
EVEN IF IN SPIRIT TOGETHER APART
I CANT STAND LIFE WITHOUT THEM
MISS THEM ALL THE TIME TOO
MY LITTLE FAMILY
WEIRD TO BE SO CLOSE YET SO FAR AWAY FROM EVERYBODY
NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT ME
CEPT WHAT THEY PERCEIVE
WHICH IS ANYTHING BUT WHAT I FEEL
I DON'T SEND OUT FUCK ME VIBES I DONT TEASE I FLIRT IN A JOKEY CRAZY KIDDING AROUND KIND OF WAY BUT ITS BENIGN AND FRIENDLY BUT NOT OPEN TO SUGGESESTION OF INTERCOURSE.
I AM CLOSED DOWN AND THEY TELL ME THEY ARE UP FOR IT.
HANGING MYSELF, I WOULD HAVE EEPT IT OIN MY SUICIDAL IDEATION FILE BUT KING RUINED FOR ME BY HANGING HIMSELF ONE MONTH AFTER STAYING WITH THE KIDS AND I HE DID OVER XMAS PDX AND IT TOOK HIM TWO DAYS HANGING THERE ALIVE UNCONSCIOUS
BEFORE THEY CUT HIM DOWN, AND HE HAD JUST PERISHED WHEN THEY HAD FOUND HIM'LIKE WITH TEN MINUTES
AND HIS TONGUE AND HIS LIPS WERE HUGE AND SWOLLER AND DARK BLUE
AND HIS EYES WERE
NEVERMIND
I HAD THE UGLY SIGHT OF HIM HANGING AND SURE IT WAS HIM SINCE HE HAD LAID IN THE GARAGE ON MY FUTON WITH ME OVER THANKSGIBING, THE BOYS ALLOWED ME TO OPEN THE HOUSE TO A TWO HOMELESS AT A TIME FOR ONE NIGHT SHOWER LAUNDRY ETC....COOK EAT WHATEVER WE HAD AND KING CAME FOR THE NIGHT AND HE WAS TREATED LIKE A KING IN OUR HOME...AND HE ACTED LIKE A KING AND A GEMTLEMAN AND HE NEVER SENT OFF ANYTHING BUT KINDNESS AND BROTHERLY LOVE WHEN ASKING MIGHT HE LAY NEXT SINCE HE WAS COLD AND HADN'T BROUGHT A SLEEPIHG BAG OF COURSE I LET HIM HE WAS A SMALL GUY AND HE WAS SHIVERING BUT VERY DECENT AND CLEAN IN SOME WAYS BUT THEN WHEN HE GOT UP IN THE MORNING
A THING CAMEOVER HIM
HIS DEMON
HE HAD TO GO
HE WAS SWEATING AND A WEE SHAKY
AND THE SUMMER B4 I HAD CALLED THE 911 FROM THE DINING ROOM PARKING LOT WHEN KING HAD COLLAPSED DUE TO SHOCK FROM HAVING NOT EATEN AND HAVIING HAD HIS PLASMA DRAWN ON A HOT HOT SUMMER DAY FOUND OUT THEN AS I DID THAT MORNING REMINDED, THAT HE NEEDS TO GO GIVE PLASMA SO HE CAN BUY HIS DRUG OF CHOICE IN A CAN
CRUEL CHEAP LOCOS AND MILUAKIE ICES
AND CRAP BEERS
HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC
HARDCORE
AND IT DESTROYED HIM
I AM BATTLING MY OWN DEMONS AS I WRITE
I HAVE HAD A LIFE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY ,,MANY SEASONS OP CHANGE
WAS ONCE ENSLAVED TO IMPUSLES WITH NO WAY OUT UNTIL I LEARNED WHAT MADE ME TICK
IT DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD GO OFF AND TRASH MY ASS AND I DON'T I USE THE SHIT TO DO SPIRITUAL WORK EVERY TIME I SMOKE A HIT OF WEEK IN MY HOME OR IF I HAVE A NITE LIKE LAST NITE.....I AM GOING TO USE IT TO ITS MAXIMUM
I CANT EVEN FUCKING IMAGINE HOW IT MUST BE TO BE TOTALLY SPUN OUT WITH NO OBJECTIVE IN LIFE AND NOTHING TO LIVE FOR BUT DUMPSTER DIVING?
THAT WOULD BE DAVE
THE DEAD BEAT DAD
DUMPSTER DIVING MONSTER
I HATED HIS DEAL WHEN I MET WITH HIM THE FIRST TIME AT THAT VAN
I KNEW WHAT I WAS LOOKING AT
AND HOW I COULD USE IT TO BENEFIT
AND IT WAS APPARENT HE WOULD NEED SPIRITUAL HELP SINCE HE DISCERNED IN THE BEGINNING I WAS A BELIEVER
JUST NOT IN HIS god.
i AM DEALING WITH HUMAN WASTE WALKING AROUND THESE PARTS. GO FIGURE.
EVEN THE HOTTIES. THEY ALREADY HAVE GIRLFRIENDS. FIRST ANDREAS THEN THIS SHEA GUY.
i AM NOT INTERESTED AS IT IS.
I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN THESE BOYS AND MEN
THEY ARE
LESS THAN ME AND I WANT TO BE A COMPANION MAYBE
YEAH IN MY DREAM
I WANTED TO GO ON IN LIFE AND MAKE IT WORTHWHILE FOR ME, WHEN HOMELESS AT THE MISSION AT NITE I WOULD WAKE UP
3 IN THE MORNING
AND LAY THERE THINKING ABOUT METHY
AND WONDERING WHAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE HAD HE ACTUALLY LOVED ME AS I DREAMED, COMING TO ME, WE GO ON TOGETHER AND THE LIFE JUST BECOMES A GOOD THING FOR THE SIMPLE WE ANSWERED THE CALL TOGETHER
CUZ
IN MY WORLD
WHEN HE FOUND ME ONLINE BACK IN O3
I DINT WANT NOTHIN
NO LOVE
JUST APAL FOR SURE
HIS PRESENCE OUT OF NOWHERE WAS STRANGE AND UNUSUAL AND IT TOOK ME MONTHS TO GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD WHAT WAS HAPPENING IT WAS JUST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
AND IT WAS
SO I KNOW HOW TO GO ONE ONCE THE DREAM HAS ENDED AND THE RAW TRUTH EXPOSED AND WHEN I KNOW I HAVE A MARK ON ME THAT SENDS THEM OFF, A MIND THAT SPEAKS FILTH ABOUT ME, EXPOSING THE WORST FIRST SO THEY HATE ME QUICKLY
HE WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE
JUST LIKE ANDREAS
SO I GAVE UP AND GAVE IN
AND SOMETHING HAPPENED
I GUESS I KIND OF FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND THEN IT DIDN'T MATTER CUZ I WAS WITH NEW BF OF TWO WEEKS WHEN IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS
BUT ALSO WHAT HIT ME WAS THAT METHY HAD PUSHED ME AWAY, HAD ENCOURAGED MY OTO THING, THE MOVE TO YURIS...ETC...
AND HAVE MISSED HIM EVER SINCE
WE WERE NEVER THE SAME AFTER THAT METHY AND I
IT WAS DOWNHILL FROM THERE
AND THEN I KNEW
I WAS BEING USED
HAVE HAD MANY PEOPLE WARN ME OF THE DANGER OF GETTING INVOLVED WITH HIM
WAS TOLD HE WAS A PLAYER THAT HE WAS NOTHING BUT THERE TO FUCK WITH ME
TWO DAYS AGO I ASKED DUKE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF AN 8 YEAR LOVE AFFAIR BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE ONLINE WHERE BY NOW THE LADY WOULD HAVE LIKE TO HAVE MET YET
DUKE STOPPED ME IN MY TRAX.
"YOU ARE A B=EAUTIFUL, VIBRANT WOMAN KIM. I CANNOT BELIEVE FOR ONE SECOND A REAL MAN WOULD TURN YOU DOWN LET ALONE 8 YEARS WAITIHG?
I TOLD HIM I WAS LOPSIDED, I WANTED US TO BE A COUPLE, AND SEEMS HE WASN'T INTERESTED IN ME IN ANY WAY YET I HAD THIS MAD INSANE FANTASY HE WOULD JUST
APPEAR AND WE'D BE PALS AND GO HANG OUT AND THEN HE COULD GO BACK TO CHICAGO AND WE WERE JUST BEING HUMANS
THATS ALL I WANTED TO TRY REALLY
MY KIDS MET PEOPLE THAT WAY FRIENDS
FEMALES THAT WERE JUST BUDDIES TO HANG WITH
NOT TO FUCK
DUKE SAID
"IT TAKES TWO TANGO KIDDO AND IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S ALREADY DANCING WITHOUT YOU...."
OK
IM DANCING ALONE.
YEP.
I HAVE BEEN
ALL THIS TIME.
I KNOW.
I CAN DREAM BUT ITS CORRUPT
TOLD DUKE THE STORY WAS THAT HE AND I WERE SUPPOSE TO GET TOGETHER BUT I DON'T KNOW IF 8 YEARS IS TOO LONG TO HAVE WAITED
DUKE SAYS
kIM, IF HE REALLY WANTED TO MEET YOU FOR ANY REASON, HE WOULD HAVE MADE A MOVE THE FIRST MONTHS HE'S MEETING YOU
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
I CAN'T BELIEVE A MAN WOULD NOT ANSWER NOR SHOW INTEREST WHEN YOU ARE SO CRAZY ABOUT HIM, WHAT THE FUCK DID HE DO TO DESERVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTIONS??
(SEE I USED METHY AS MY OUT WHEN DUKE ASKED ME, "IS THERE ANY CHANCE AT ALL FOR US KIM?"
I TOLD HIM I WAS ALREADY BETROTHED...BUT THAT WE HADN'[T ACTUALLY MET
THEN I TOLD HIM THE REST OF THE PARTIAL TRUTH
UNTIL HE GAVE ME SHITTY HARSH TRUTH
I AM WAKING AND INTO IT I AM FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE KNOW OF THAT PART
AND CAN FINALLT FINALLY TAKE A TIME OUT NOW TO
GRIEVE THIS
FUCKING CAROL AND SUZAN AND ROGERS SHIT THEIR EVILS AND THE DEATH AND ME HAVING TO DEAL WITH FIRST ALL OF THAT AND THEN METHY ENDING IT TWO MONTHS LATER O9 IS WHEN I DIED BUT DIDN'T KNOW IT
I MOVED THE VEILS AND I WENT THROUGH THE DOORS AND THE SPECIAL PORTALS
UNCOVERING THE FILTHY TRUTH AND ALSO MUCH JOY ON THE TREE THAT WOULD COME LATER
REGARDING MY CREATOR
MY VEILS LIFTED ARE NO DIFFERENT UNLIFTED I DONT EVER HAD ANY LIKE MY HYMEN
WHEN I HAD CONSENSUAL SEX FOR THE FIRST AT AGE 16
I WAS SCARED BECASUE ONE
I WAS SO TINY OF ENTRY IT TORE WHEN HE WENT IN BUT I HAD NO HYMEN UP INSIDE AND HE AND I WERE EXPECTING THAT.
I HAD NO MEMORY EITHER
SO I FELT REALLY FUCT UP AFTER THAT
KNOWING
SOMETHING WAS WRONG
WELL DUK
I GOT RAPED WITH A STICK ONCE
A TREE BRANCH
AND IT PROBABLY DID IT
I WAS BLEEDING ALL OVER DOWN MY LEGS
ANDI WAS 7
THE NEIGBOR GIRL DID IT TO ME
AND I HATED HER AFTER THAT FOR GOOD
I HATED HER AND I HATED HER FAMILY BECAUSE THEY WERE INBREDS AND DAD WAS RIGHT AND INCESTUAL TOO.
PERVERTED THEY WERE ALL MOLESTING EACH OTHER ACROSS THE STREET AND DOOR THE BOY WHO MOLESTED FROM 3-11 INTERSOCOURSE FIRST MEMORY AT 3 AFTER THAT IT WAS OTHER MORE PERVERTED SHIT
POINT IS...
YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.
I HAVE HAD NO LOVE THE SEX WAS AWFUL YET I KNOW HOW TO MASTURBATE AND WAS ABLE TO ENJOY RICK AND YURI IN THE FLESH.
PERIOD,
THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO MEN ON PLANET EARTH WHO WERE ABLE TO CAPTURE THE ME I BECAME AFTER ALL THE THERAPY RICK LOST OUT WHEN BECAME EMPOWERED AND HE CHEATED WITH A FAT UGLY GIRL HICK
OK
IT WAS SEX I LOVED RICK
I LOVED YURI BRIEFLY AND THEN HATED HIS GUTS FOR BEING A LIAR AND FAKE AND CHEAT AND PHONY AND AN ABUSIVE BASTARD
RICK TOTALLY SEXUALLY FUCT UP FROM RAY YET COULD MANAGE WELL WITH ME BUT
HE HAD MEGA ISSUES THAT MADE MINE PALE IN COMPARISON AROUND TOUCHING HIS COCK WITH OUT NOTICE HE HAD PTSD JUMP LIKE A SOLDIER AND HE ALSO DID NOT WANT ME TO GIVE HIM HEAD AND I AM AT THIS POINT AN EXCELLENT BLOW JOB
WITH DICK WORTH A SECOND LOOK
HAHA
ALL THIS SEX APPEAL AND EROTICISM OOZING
AND NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
AND GOING TO LOOK INTO DOING SOMETHING TO TONE ALL OF THIS DOWN SO THEY GO AWAY
I WANT NO MAN ATTENTION
ITS NOT GOOD FOR ME
IT'S TURNING ME ON ME
IT'S ABUSIVE WHAT I AM RECEIVING
SIMPLY CUZ
IT'S ALL MAKING ME SICK
SAD
HORRIBLE AWFUL
THEY VALIDATE WHAT I KNOW ALL ALONG
SO THERE HARD ONS ARE SUPPOSE TO BE WHAT?
NOT AT ALL.
AFTER THE ORDEAL WITH ANDREAS.
IT WAS THE FINAL BLOW TO MY FEMININE.
YET IT HAS TRIGGERED A HORRIBLE SITUATION WHERE I HAVE THE MEN WITH HARD ONS
I AM UNABLE TO RECEIVE ANY OF THOSE ATTENTIONS WITH ANYTHING BUT SORROW AND HATE FOR MY SELF SINCE I CAN'T EVEN THINK OR IMAGINE ABOUT IT ANYMORE
I CAN'T EVEN IF I WANTED TO BECAUSE MY SELF ESTEEM AROUND NAKEDNESS, INTIMACY, NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH, BEING COMPARED TO OTHERS, ETC
I HAVE BEEM THROUGH THAT EVERY STINKING TIME I AM EITHER HIT ON, GO THROUGH WITH IT OR REJECT SOME MASTURBATING ASSHOLE. I EXPERIENCE THE SELF-LOATHING, THEY'VE MADE IT CLEAR \
I AM A FUCK BOT
I AM AN OBJECT WORTH Y OF SHIT LIKE dave
BUT I AM A SIDE-KICK TO A BEAUTIFUL MAN ALREADY INVOLVED WITH LOVER AND I WOULD BE HIS SIDE FUCK
JIMBO, SAME. I WENT TO REVCOVER FROM SURGERY AND HE'S SO SICK AND WARPED OUT HE;S GONE DOWN HILL
I HAVE GOTTEN YOUNGER LOOKING THEY SAY
I CAN SEE IT IN MY FACE
BUT MY BODY IS A JUNKYARD
IT'S FINISHED.
PAST MY PRIME MY TIME
I AM WAITING FOR IT TO GO SO I CAN TOO. IF MY SONS ARE WITH ME THAT'D BE SUPER COOL
I WANT TO BE WHEREVER THEY ARE
EVEN IF IN SPIRIT TOGETHER APART
I CANT STAND LIFE WITHOUT THEM
MISS THEM ALL THE TIME TOO
MY LITTLE FAMILY
WEIRD TO BE SO CLOSE YET SO FAR AWAY FROM EVERYBODY
NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT ME
CEPT WHAT THEY PERCEIVE
WHICH IS ANYTHING BUT WHAT I FEEL
I DON'T SEND OUT FUCK ME VIBES I DONT TEASE I FLIRT IN A JOKEY CRAZY KIDDING AROUND KIND OF WAY BUT ITS BENIGN AND FRIENDLY BUT NOT OPEN TO SUGGESESTION OF INTERCOURSE.
I AM CLOSED DOWN AND THEY TELL ME THEY ARE UP FOR IT.
HANGING MYSELF, I WOULD HAVE EEPT IT OIN MY SUICIDAL IDEATION FILE BUT KING RUINED FOR ME BY HANGING HIMSELF ONE MONTH AFTER STAYING WITH THE KIDS AND I HE DID OVER XMAS PDX AND IT TOOK HIM TWO DAYS HANGING THERE ALIVE UNCONSCIOUS
BEFORE THEY CUT HIM DOWN, AND HE HAD JUST PERISHED WHEN THEY HAD FOUND HIM'LIKE WITH TEN MINUTES
AND HIS TONGUE AND HIS LIPS WERE HUGE AND SWOLLER AND DARK BLUE
AND HIS EYES WERE
NEVERMIND
I HAD THE UGLY SIGHT OF HIM HANGING AND SURE IT WAS HIM SINCE HE HAD LAID IN THE GARAGE ON MY FUTON WITH ME OVER THANKSGIBING, THE BOYS ALLOWED ME TO OPEN THE HOUSE TO A TWO HOMELESS AT A TIME FOR ONE NIGHT SHOWER LAUNDRY ETC....COOK EAT WHATEVER WE HAD AND KING CAME FOR THE NIGHT AND HE WAS TREATED LIKE A KING IN OUR HOME...AND HE ACTED LIKE A KING AND A GEMTLEMAN AND HE NEVER SENT OFF ANYTHING BUT KINDNESS AND BROTHERLY LOVE WHEN ASKING MIGHT HE LAY NEXT SINCE HE WAS COLD AND HADN'T BROUGHT A SLEEPIHG BAG OF COURSE I LET HIM HE WAS A SMALL GUY AND HE WAS SHIVERING BUT VERY DECENT AND CLEAN IN SOME WAYS BUT THEN WHEN HE GOT UP IN THE MORNING
A THING CAMEOVER HIM
HIS DEMON
HE HAD TO GO
HE WAS SWEATING AND A WEE SHAKY
AND THE SUMMER B4 I HAD CALLED THE 911 FROM THE DINING ROOM PARKING LOT WHEN KING HAD COLLAPSED DUE TO SHOCK FROM HAVING NOT EATEN AND HAVIING HAD HIS PLASMA DRAWN ON A HOT HOT SUMMER DAY FOUND OUT THEN AS I DID THAT MORNING REMINDED, THAT HE NEEDS TO GO GIVE PLASMA SO HE CAN BUY HIS DRUG OF CHOICE IN A CAN
CRUEL CHEAP LOCOS AND MILUAKIE ICES
AND CRAP BEERS
HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC
HARDCORE
AND IT DESTROYED HIM
I AM BATTLING MY OWN DEMONS AS I WRITE
I HAVE HAD A LIFE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY ,,MANY SEASONS OP CHANGE
WAS ONCE ENSLAVED TO IMPUSLES WITH NO WAY OUT UNTIL I LEARNED WHAT MADE ME TICK
IT DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD GO OFF AND TRASH MY ASS AND I DON'T I USE THE SHIT TO DO SPIRITUAL WORK EVERY TIME I SMOKE A HIT OF WEEK IN MY HOME OR IF I HAVE A NITE LIKE LAST NITE.....I AM GOING TO USE IT TO ITS MAXIMUM
I CANT EVEN FUCKING IMAGINE HOW IT MUST BE TO BE TOTALLY SPUN OUT WITH NO OBJECTIVE IN LIFE AND NOTHING TO LIVE FOR BUT DUMPSTER DIVING?
THAT WOULD BE DAVE
THE DEAD BEAT DAD
DUMPSTER DIVING MONSTER
I HATED HIS DEAL WHEN I MET WITH HIM THE FIRST TIME AT THAT VAN
I KNEW WHAT I WAS LOOKING AT
AND HOW I COULD USE IT TO BENEFIT
AND IT WAS APPARENT HE WOULD NEED SPIRITUAL HELP SINCE HE DISCERNED IN THE BEGINNING I WAS A BELIEVER
JUST NOT IN HIS god.
i AM DEALING WITH HUMAN WASTE WALKING AROUND THESE PARTS. GO FIGURE.
EVEN THE HOTTIES. THEY ALREADY HAVE GIRLFRIENDS. FIRST ANDREAS THEN THIS SHEA GUY.
i AM NOT INTERESTED AS IT IS.
I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN THESE BOYS AND MEN
THEY ARE
LESS THAN ME AND I WANT TO BE A COMPANION MAYBE
YEAH IN MY DREAM
I WANTED TO GO ON IN LIFE AND MAKE IT WORTHWHILE FOR ME, WHEN HOMELESS AT THE MISSION AT NITE I WOULD WAKE UP
3 IN THE MORNING
AND LAY THERE THINKING ABOUT METHY
AND WONDERING WHAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE HAD HE ACTUALLY LOVED ME AS I DREAMED, COMING TO ME, WE GO ON TOGETHER AND THE LIFE JUST BECOMES A GOOD THING FOR THE SIMPLE WE ANSWERED THE CALL TOGETHER
CUZ
IN MY WORLD
WHEN HE FOUND ME ONLINE BACK IN O3
I DINT WANT NOTHIN
NO LOVE
JUST APAL FOR SURE
HIS PRESENCE OUT OF NOWHERE WAS STRANGE AND UNUSUAL AND IT TOOK ME MONTHS TO GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD WHAT WAS HAPPENING IT WAS JUST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
AND IT WAS
SO I KNOW HOW TO GO ONE ONCE THE DREAM HAS ENDED AND THE RAW TRUTH EXPOSED AND WHEN I KNOW I HAVE A MARK ON ME THAT SENDS THEM OFF, A MIND THAT SPEAKS FILTH ABOUT ME, EXPOSING THE WORST FIRST SO THEY HATE ME QUICKLY
HE WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE
JUST LIKE ANDREAS
SO I GAVE UP AND GAVE IN
AND SOMETHING HAPPENED
I GUESS I KIND OF FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND THEN IT DIDN'T MATTER CUZ I WAS WITH NEW BF OF TWO WEEKS WHEN IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS
BUT ALSO WHAT HIT ME WAS THAT METHY HAD PUSHED ME AWAY, HAD ENCOURAGED MY OTO THING, THE MOVE TO YURIS...ETC...
AND HAVE MISSED HIM EVER SINCE
WE WERE NEVER THE SAME AFTER THAT METHY AND I
IT WAS DOWNHILL FROM THERE
AND THEN I KNEW
I WAS BEING USED
HAVE HAD MANY PEOPLE WARN ME OF THE DANGER OF GETTING INVOLVED WITH HIM
WAS TOLD HE WAS A PLAYER THAT HE WAS NOTHING BUT THERE TO FUCK WITH ME
TWO DAYS AGO I ASKED DUKE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF AN 8 YEAR LOVE AFFAIR BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE ONLINE WHERE BY NOW THE LADY WOULD HAVE LIKE TO HAVE MET YET
DUKE STOPPED ME IN MY TRAX.
"YOU ARE A B=EAUTIFUL, VIBRANT WOMAN KIM. I CANNOT BELIEVE FOR ONE SECOND A REAL MAN WOULD TURN YOU DOWN LET ALONE 8 YEARS WAITIHG?
I TOLD HIM I WAS LOPSIDED, I WANTED US TO BE A COUPLE, AND SEEMS HE WASN'T INTERESTED IN ME IN ANY WAY YET I HAD THIS MAD INSANE FANTASY HE WOULD JUST
APPEAR AND WE'D BE PALS AND GO HANG OUT AND THEN HE COULD GO BACK TO CHICAGO AND WE WERE JUST BEING HUMANS
THATS ALL I WANTED TO TRY REALLY
MY KIDS MET PEOPLE THAT WAY FRIENDS
FEMALES THAT WERE JUST BUDDIES TO HANG WITH
NOT TO FUCK
DUKE SAID
"IT TAKES TWO TANGO KIDDO AND IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S ALREADY DANCING WITHOUT YOU...."
OK
IM DANCING ALONE.
YEP.
I HAVE BEEN
ALL THIS TIME.
I KNOW.
I CAN DREAM BUT ITS CORRUPT
TOLD DUKE THE STORY WAS THAT HE AND I WERE SUPPOSE TO GET TOGETHER BUT I DON'T KNOW IF 8 YEARS IS TOO LONG TO HAVE WAITED
DUKE SAYS
kIM, IF HE REALLY WANTED TO MEET YOU FOR ANY REASON, HE WOULD HAVE MADE A MOVE THE FIRST MONTHS HE'S MEETING YOU
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
I CAN'T BELIEVE A MAN WOULD NOT ANSWER NOR SHOW INTEREST WHEN YOU ARE SO CRAZY ABOUT HIM, WHAT THE FUCK DID HE DO TO DESERVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTIONS??
(SEE I USED METHY AS MY OUT WHEN DUKE ASKED ME, "IS THERE ANY CHANCE AT ALL FOR US KIM?"
I TOLD HIM I WAS ALREADY BETROTHED...BUT THAT WE HADN'[T ACTUALLY MET
THEN I TOLD HIM THE REST OF THE PARTIAL TRUTH
UNTIL HE GAVE ME SHITTY HARSH TRUTH
I AM WAKING AND INTO IT I AM FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE KNOW OF THAT PART
AND CAN FINALLT FINALLY TAKE A TIME OUT NOW TO
GRIEVE THIS
FUCKING CAROL AND SUZAN AND ROGERS SHIT THEIR EVILS AND THE DEATH AND ME HAVING TO DEAL WITH FIRST ALL OF THAT AND THEN METHY ENDING IT TWO MONTHS LATER O9 IS WHEN I DIED BUT DIDN'T KNOW IT
I MOVED THE VEILS AND I WENT THROUGH THE DOORS AND THE SPECIAL PORTALS
UNCOVERING THE FILTHY TRUTH AND ALSO MUCH JOY ON THE TREE THAT WOULD COME LATER
REGARDING MY CREATOR
MY VEILS LIFTED ARE NO DIFFERENT UNLIFTED I DONT EVER HAD ANY LIKE MY HYMEN
WHEN I HAD CONSENSUAL SEX FOR THE FIRST AT AGE 16
I WAS SCARED BECASUE ONE
I WAS SO TINY OF ENTRY IT TORE WHEN HE WENT IN BUT I HAD NO HYMEN UP INSIDE AND HE AND I WERE EXPECTING THAT.
I HAD NO MEMORY EITHER
SO I FELT REALLY FUCT UP AFTER THAT
KNOWING
SOMETHING WAS WRONG
WELL DUK
I GOT RAPED WITH A STICK ONCE
A TREE BRANCH
AND IT PROBABLY DID IT
I WAS BLEEDING ALL OVER DOWN MY LEGS
ANDI WAS 7
THE NEIGBOR GIRL DID IT TO ME
AND I HATED HER AFTER THAT FOR GOOD
I HATED HER AND I HATED HER FAMILY BECAUSE THEY WERE INBREDS AND DAD WAS RIGHT AND INCESTUAL TOO.
PERVERTED THEY WERE ALL MOLESTING EACH OTHER ACROSS THE STREET AND DOOR THE BOY WHO MOLESTED FROM 3-11 INTERSOCOURSE FIRST MEMORY AT 3 AFTER THAT IT WAS OTHER MORE PERVERTED SHIT
POINT IS...
YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.
I HAVE HAD NO LOVE THE SEX WAS AWFUL YET I KNOW HOW TO MASTURBATE AND WAS ABLE TO ENJOY RICK AND YURI IN THE FLESH.
PERIOD,
THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO MEN ON PLANET EARTH WHO WERE ABLE TO CAPTURE THE ME I BECAME AFTER ALL THE THERAPY RICK LOST OUT WHEN BECAME EMPOWERED AND HE CHEATED WITH A FAT UGLY GIRL HICK
OK
IT WAS SEX I LOVED RICK
I LOVED YURI BRIEFLY AND THEN HATED HIS GUTS FOR BEING A LIAR AND FAKE AND CHEAT AND PHONY AND AN ABUSIVE BASTARD
RICK TOTALLY SEXUALLY FUCT UP FROM RAY YET COULD MANAGE WELL WITH ME BUT
HE HAD MEGA ISSUES THAT MADE MINE PALE IN COMPARISON AROUND TOUCHING HIS COCK WITH OUT NOTICE HE HAD PTSD JUMP LIKE A SOLDIER AND HE ALSO DID NOT WANT ME TO GIVE HIM HEAD AND I AM AT THIS POINT AN EXCELLENT BLOW JOB
WITH DICK WORTH A SECOND LOOK
HAHA
ALL THIS SEX APPEAL AND EROTICISM OOZING
AND NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
AND GOING TO LOOK INTO DOING SOMETHING TO TONE ALL OF THIS DOWN SO THEY GO AWAY
I WANT NO MAN ATTENTION
ITS NOT GOOD FOR ME
IT'S TURNING ME ON ME
IT'S ABUSIVE WHAT I AM RECEIVING
SIMPLY CUZ
IT'S ALL MAKING ME SICK
SAD
HORRIBLE AWFUL
THEY VALIDATE WHAT I KNOW ALL ALONG
SO THERE HARD ONS ARE SUPPOSE TO BE WHAT?
QILL IT QIM
MANY PERSONALITIES IN HERE
ALL ONE ME
BUT IN PIECES
MILLION OF PIECES OF ME BROEKEN UP LIKE SO MANY SHELLS AND RESPONSIBLE FOR SO MUCH SUFFERING IT'S UNBEARABLE TO GO ON REALLY
AND I AM NOT KIDDING THIS IS FUCT TIME
I KNEW WOULD BE
IT HAS BEEN ALL ALONG
I CAN SAY IT NOW SINCE THE STIMULANT FORCES THE POND SCUM TO THE SURFACE.
I AM UGLY ALWAYS ALWAYS WILL BE
NO MATTER HOW PRETTY THEY THINK I AM TO THEIR EYES
I DONT HAVE MY MOON ANYNORE
SHE WAS MY GIRL AND SINCE THEN
I HAVE BEEN
NEVER THE SAME AGAIN
LOST IN A MIDSPACE OF A ME THAT CANT REMEMBER HOW IT GOT TO THIS PLACE SO SWIFTLY AND THE THINGS THAT LEAD UP A LIFE OF MOSTLY TRAGEDY
MUCH MUCH HOPE FOR YEARS
ALWAYS SAW THE BEST IN A PERSON
AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM
I CAN SEE THE BEST IN ME BACK THEN
AND IMPOSSIBLE TO GRAB AHOLD OF NOT LET GO...IT SEEMS EVERYTIME I WOULD GET A PLACE, MY FOOTING, CONSISTENCY AND THE CONCEPT OF SUCCESS IN LIFE HAPPENING BECAUSE GOOD THINGS WERE GOING BECAUSE I WASN'T AFRAID TO REACH FOR IT? NOPE, IT WASN'T ABOUT MY FEAR, IT SEEMS A LOT OF THE TIME WHENEVER A GOOD THING WOULD HAPPEN TO ME AN OUTSIDE INFLUENCE THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH MY CHORONZON WOULD BE WAITING TO ATTACK.
LIKE MY MOM, THE DAY I LEARNED I GOT SOCIAL SECURITY. SHE'S GOING TO TURN ON ME AND BE A TOTAL BITCH AND MY DAD IS GOING TO BEAT MY ASS WHILE I AM SLEEPING UPSTAIRS BECAUSE HE WAS PIST I HAD DRANK TO PASS OUT PEACEFULLY IN MY ROOM DOOR CLOSED
AND HE CAME IN
OUT OF NOWHERE FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN PIST I TOLD HIM TO GET OUT I AM NOT HHNGRY I DONT WANT DINNER I AM NOT FEELING WELL
I DRANK TOO MUCHSCHNAPPS AND IT FUCT ME UP FAST
TOOK MY MOMS 4 AND AHALF VICODINS WITH THAT
THEN
PASSED OUT
AND HE MY ASS WHILE I WAS WOUND UP AND COVERED IN THE BLANKIE AND LET HIM GO AHEAD I DIDN'T FIGHT I JUST CRIED AND HE HURT ME PRETTY DAMNED BADLY
I HAD TO CALL THE COPS.
THEY HAD TO TAKE ME TO A SAFE SPOT
AND I HAD TO GO HOME TO EUGENE
LIKE I ALWAYS DO AFTER HAVING BEEN WITH THE FOLKS
THE CRUELEST MOST TWISTED SCENE OF SADISTS I HAVE EVER KNOWN
CRUEL
SO FUCKING CRUEL
AND THEN SO KIND AND GENEROUS WITH FOOD MONEY AND GIFTS
I TRIED MANY ANGLES COMMUNICATING TO DAD ABOUT THE WORLD SITUATION WHAT'S GOING ON WHAT'S HIS OPINION
I ALSO TOLD HIM A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TRUTH AS I KNOW IT ABOUT THE FUTURE FROM BIBLICAL ANGLE
AND FOR THE LAST TIME
I WOULD LISTEN TO THEM TELL ME HOW NON BELEIVING THEY ARE
SO TOTALLY NON BELIEVING THEY ACTUALLY SMILED WITH APPROVAL SITTING TOGETHER ON DADS OFFICE COUCH WHILE I WAS WORKING GEMATRIA LAZY MAN STYLE ONLINE AND TELLING THEM ABOUT THEIR NAMES EACH HAVING THE NUMBERS THAT SPELL OUT SATAN...THE LETTERS JOAN IS 771 AND STAN 770
I SAID IT AND THAT WAS THE DAY ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE, THEY ATTACKED ME LIKE SAVAGES HER TOO.
THEY HAVE DONE THIS SHIT TO ME SINCE I CAN RECALL.
IN EAARLY YOUTH IT WAS HER HIDING IN BATHROOM AT NBTE WITH WHITE FACE MASK ON IN THE BLACK CORNER IN THE DARK, KATHY WAS 4 YRS TOUNGER THAN ME AND SHE'D START CRYING. I'D HAVE TO SEARCH AROUND THE HOUSE FOR HER, NOT FUN EITHER SINCE IT WAS SMALL BUT THE AREA OF THE HALL AND THE TWO BEDROOMS AND ESPECIALLY THE BATHROOM TERRIFIED ME IN A WAY I STILL WENT ON ALONE LOOKING FOR HER, KATHY IN THE WELL LIT LIVING ROOM SITITNG IN TH E MIDDLE OF IT BAWLING WHILE I AM SHOCKED INNTO FRIGHT JUMP WHEN MOM LEAPS OUT OF DARK CORNER AND YELLLS WWOWOOOOO!!!!!!! RIGHT IN MY FACE.
I DID MOT LIKE THAT BUT
I WASN'T ALLOWED TO CRY
NO SHIT
I CAN STILL HARDLY WRITE IT
AND BELIEVE IT
ITS SO FUCKED UP AND WEIRD
I AM DEAD SERIOUS
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IS
IF I STARTED TO SHOW TEARS AND THEY WOULD ROLL AT TIMES THEY WOULD GET PIST (HIM)
OR TOLD TO STOP THAT RIGHT NOW OR YOU WILL REALLY BE GETTING UPSET
AND THEN I WOULD BAWL
DEPENDING ON THE SITUATION
I MEAN
SOB
CONVULISVELY
AND DAD WAS NEVER THERE
ALWAYS ALWAYS GONE THE WHOLK TIME I WAS 0-17
WORKED HIS ASS OFF
AND NEVER TOLD ME HE LOVED ME TIL I WAS 27
SO I AM KIND OF WASTED ALREADY WITH THE APPROVAL LEVEL
LOVE IS ALONG THOSE LINES FOR ME
I EQUATE APPROVAL FROM OTHERS, ACCEPTANCE IS A BETTER WORD, I SEE THOSE WTH LOVE
TO BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED.
AND TO BE ABLE TO LOVE AND RECIPROCATE
I WAS EQUIPPED ONCE
FOR THE PERFECT GUY I DREAMT OF
THAT LASTED TIL I JOINED THE OTO
ALL ONE ME
BUT IN PIECES
MILLION OF PIECES OF ME BROEKEN UP LIKE SO MANY SHELLS AND RESPONSIBLE FOR SO MUCH SUFFERING IT'S UNBEARABLE TO GO ON REALLY
AND I AM NOT KIDDING THIS IS FUCT TIME
I KNEW WOULD BE
IT HAS BEEN ALL ALONG
I CAN SAY IT NOW SINCE THE STIMULANT FORCES THE POND SCUM TO THE SURFACE.
I AM UGLY ALWAYS ALWAYS WILL BE
NO MATTER HOW PRETTY THEY THINK I AM TO THEIR EYES
I DONT HAVE MY MOON ANYNORE
SHE WAS MY GIRL AND SINCE THEN
I HAVE BEEN
NEVER THE SAME AGAIN
LOST IN A MIDSPACE OF A ME THAT CANT REMEMBER HOW IT GOT TO THIS PLACE SO SWIFTLY AND THE THINGS THAT LEAD UP A LIFE OF MOSTLY TRAGEDY
MUCH MUCH HOPE FOR YEARS
ALWAYS SAW THE BEST IN A PERSON
AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM
I CAN SEE THE BEST IN ME BACK THEN
AND IMPOSSIBLE TO GRAB AHOLD OF NOT LET GO...IT SEEMS EVERYTIME I WOULD GET A PLACE, MY FOOTING, CONSISTENCY AND THE CONCEPT OF SUCCESS IN LIFE HAPPENING BECAUSE GOOD THINGS WERE GOING BECAUSE I WASN'T AFRAID TO REACH FOR IT? NOPE, IT WASN'T ABOUT MY FEAR, IT SEEMS A LOT OF THE TIME WHENEVER A GOOD THING WOULD HAPPEN TO ME AN OUTSIDE INFLUENCE THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH MY CHORONZON WOULD BE WAITING TO ATTACK.
LIKE MY MOM, THE DAY I LEARNED I GOT SOCIAL SECURITY. SHE'S GOING TO TURN ON ME AND BE A TOTAL BITCH AND MY DAD IS GOING TO BEAT MY ASS WHILE I AM SLEEPING UPSTAIRS BECAUSE HE WAS PIST I HAD DRANK TO PASS OUT PEACEFULLY IN MY ROOM DOOR CLOSED
AND HE CAME IN
OUT OF NOWHERE FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN PIST I TOLD HIM TO GET OUT I AM NOT HHNGRY I DONT WANT DINNER I AM NOT FEELING WELL
I DRANK TOO MUCHSCHNAPPS AND IT FUCT ME UP FAST
TOOK MY MOMS 4 AND AHALF VICODINS WITH THAT
THEN
PASSED OUT
AND HE MY ASS WHILE I WAS WOUND UP AND COVERED IN THE BLANKIE AND LET HIM GO AHEAD I DIDN'T FIGHT I JUST CRIED AND HE HURT ME PRETTY DAMNED BADLY
I HAD TO CALL THE COPS.
THEY HAD TO TAKE ME TO A SAFE SPOT
AND I HAD TO GO HOME TO EUGENE
LIKE I ALWAYS DO AFTER HAVING BEEN WITH THE FOLKS
THE CRUELEST MOST TWISTED SCENE OF SADISTS I HAVE EVER KNOWN
CRUEL
SO FUCKING CRUEL
AND THEN SO KIND AND GENEROUS WITH FOOD MONEY AND GIFTS
I TRIED MANY ANGLES COMMUNICATING TO DAD ABOUT THE WORLD SITUATION WHAT'S GOING ON WHAT'S HIS OPINION
I ALSO TOLD HIM A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TRUTH AS I KNOW IT ABOUT THE FUTURE FROM BIBLICAL ANGLE
AND FOR THE LAST TIME
I WOULD LISTEN TO THEM TELL ME HOW NON BELEIVING THEY ARE
SO TOTALLY NON BELIEVING THEY ACTUALLY SMILED WITH APPROVAL SITTING TOGETHER ON DADS OFFICE COUCH WHILE I WAS WORKING GEMATRIA LAZY MAN STYLE ONLINE AND TELLING THEM ABOUT THEIR NAMES EACH HAVING THE NUMBERS THAT SPELL OUT SATAN...THE LETTERS JOAN IS 771 AND STAN 770
I SAID IT AND THAT WAS THE DAY ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE, THEY ATTACKED ME LIKE SAVAGES HER TOO.
THEY HAVE DONE THIS SHIT TO ME SINCE I CAN RECALL.
IN EAARLY YOUTH IT WAS HER HIDING IN BATHROOM AT NBTE WITH WHITE FACE MASK ON IN THE BLACK CORNER IN THE DARK, KATHY WAS 4 YRS TOUNGER THAN ME AND SHE'D START CRYING. I'D HAVE TO SEARCH AROUND THE HOUSE FOR HER, NOT FUN EITHER SINCE IT WAS SMALL BUT THE AREA OF THE HALL AND THE TWO BEDROOMS AND ESPECIALLY THE BATHROOM TERRIFIED ME IN A WAY I STILL WENT ON ALONE LOOKING FOR HER, KATHY IN THE WELL LIT LIVING ROOM SITITNG IN TH E MIDDLE OF IT BAWLING WHILE I AM SHOCKED INNTO FRIGHT JUMP WHEN MOM LEAPS OUT OF DARK CORNER AND YELLLS WWOWOOOOO!!!!!!! RIGHT IN MY FACE.
I DID MOT LIKE THAT BUT
I WASN'T ALLOWED TO CRY
NO SHIT
I CAN STILL HARDLY WRITE IT
AND BELIEVE IT
ITS SO FUCKED UP AND WEIRD
I AM DEAD SERIOUS
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IS
IF I STARTED TO SHOW TEARS AND THEY WOULD ROLL AT TIMES THEY WOULD GET PIST (HIM)
OR TOLD TO STOP THAT RIGHT NOW OR YOU WILL REALLY BE GETTING UPSET
AND THEN I WOULD BAWL
DEPENDING ON THE SITUATION
I MEAN
SOB
CONVULISVELY
AND DAD WAS NEVER THERE
ALWAYS ALWAYS GONE THE WHOLK TIME I WAS 0-17
WORKED HIS ASS OFF
AND NEVER TOLD ME HE LOVED ME TIL I WAS 27
SO I AM KIND OF WASTED ALREADY WITH THE APPROVAL LEVEL
LOVE IS ALONG THOSE LINES FOR ME
I EQUATE APPROVAL FROM OTHERS, ACCEPTANCE IS A BETTER WORD, I SEE THOSE WTH LOVE
TO BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED.
AND TO BE ABLE TO LOVE AND RECIPROCATE
I WAS EQUIPPED ONCE
FOR THE PERFECT GUY I DREAMT OF
THAT LASTED TIL I JOINED THE OTO
x-zT-X-Tz-x
Shea wants to take me to his campsite in the woods at couger.
A year ago I wouldn't have even talked to him about such stuff since a year ago this time I was nun coming out of trance to dirty pig ben.
Kim is worthy of one thing if she wants physical contact
it will be with her mirror then.
An ugly insane monster is what I fuct to break from over a year long celibacy.
Took that break to recover from fact I was junk and would be asaulted as junk while again involved in getting to the root of evil inside a man I had loved, even though not in love, had tried to be a friend to him and it was so off balance from the get-go
because the piece of shit i had relations with prior to him
started my downward spiral into the pit i sit in now.
rejected and put down.
when my friend in chicago
told me how fuct i really was
and ended it abruptly two years ago
never again to speak to him
i would find out the other nite
i have to mourn it and grieve since i have been in
denial for two years.
typical time-frame for dealing with the death of a loved one.
when that happened.
well, that was the turning point.
seeing i might just be someone else;s idea of a funny joke
lets talk dingbat into joining the oto so we can use her to do it
and when she;s finished it won't matter to her anymore
to be a part of a peer group
to be a part of
anything
cuz she wont care anymore
about life amongst the living
it would take a dead soul not a shell
a living dead soul of love
to do it
knowing i would not get a thing in return
because that's how i have always operated and functioned i never
expected much though at time felt i deserved at least a little better
then
i expect nothing because there is nothing
worth fighting for in this flesh world
there is no true love
i was sent here to do the job
and die
that's how it appears
truly
i used sabotage my happiness
because i was afraid to receive a good-thing because it be taken away or disappear suddenly never to return
and used to do it knowing it was the wrong thing to be doing , why i entered the years of therapy
then i learned it was ok to give me permission to at least try to be better to myself in a relationship with me. and i have achieved that over the years in this past 11
i know how to be alone.
and what to do to stay busy.
i had livihood.
finished with the work
i am ruined inside by what i know
and i can't think much about anything else
sine i am caught up in it
and its pretty bleak
was thinking about the fact i have been living a fantasy
i believed more humans liked me than not, that I was admired and worthy of
but the actions are tellingf a different story
and along the way i pretended it wasnt' happening
the fact i was being raped pillaged pkundedrd drowned stalked death threats running
losing everytbing
telling myself it wasn't bad as it seemed
and holding certain ones high in my memory by talking to them in the airs
as if they were actually there
like methy
imaginary friend
in realtime
a cold hearted human with good heart sharing his knowledge but betraying me
i was duped into an occult worl didnt want to go forth with
with those beings when i met them all
i didnj't like half of them
and the mentor disappeared
and when he showed he was usually putting me down
pointing out how fuct i am always
and in the end i see
i am the joke of the aeon
i'll bet he laffed ass of after he cut off in august of 2009
i'll they all celebrated their freeom the lights are all on
the bitch did the dirty need
she'll fold
can't take on a bunch of archetypes shes bent
and sick
twisted and warped out
when she dies
dont be surprised
who cares
you made it clear you dont
i tried
i am an idiot
my hand is ruined
my left one
they had to basically
HACK THE FUCK OUT OF IT AN DAM COMING INTO REALITY IT WILL TRULY NEVER EVER BE THE SAME
I CANT CUT MY FINGER NAILS ON THE RIGHT HAND WITH OUT HACKING IN TO THE NAIL BED
CUZ I HAVE NO STRENGTH NO GRIP
SO THE SHUNNING
OR ABANDONMENT
WAS THEIR WAY OF TELLING ME
THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME
THEY NEVER DID
THEY JUST NEEDED MY ABVILITY TO DO THE WORK THEY DIDN'T WANT TO?
I WAS USED
TO TURN THE TREE OF LIFE ON
EVERYBODY BENEFITS
CEPT ME
I MEAN IT
I WANT LIFE NO MORE
I HAVE BEEN DOING THINGS THIS YEAR
THAT MAKE IT CLEAR
I AM HURTING MY BODY
IN WAYS THAT ARE SIGNS
14 YEARS AGO I FAILED WHEN I SLICED THROUGH THE TWO ARTERIES IN UPPER RIGHT ARM BLED OUT DIED AND
HERE I AM
I WAS TOLD I HAVE LESSON NOW TO LEARN FROM THEN
I AM THINKING THIS TIME I DO IT I DO IT RIGHT
BLOW OUT THE BRAINS
NO
DEATHWISH
I HAVE HAD SEVERAL BRUSHES
WITH CARS WANTING TO HIT
ME
WITH ME SMASHING IT THE SIDEWALK AND BUSHES TO AVOID HITTING WOMAN
WILL IT
WITH THE HELP OF MY ENEMIES
MAYBE IT WILL COME TO PASS
A year ago I wouldn't have even talked to him about such stuff since a year ago this time I was nun coming out of trance to dirty pig ben.
Kim is worthy of one thing if she wants physical contact
it will be with her mirror then.
An ugly insane monster is what I fuct to break from over a year long celibacy.
Took that break to recover from fact I was junk and would be asaulted as junk while again involved in getting to the root of evil inside a man I had loved, even though not in love, had tried to be a friend to him and it was so off balance from the get-go
because the piece of shit i had relations with prior to him
started my downward spiral into the pit i sit in now.
rejected and put down.
when my friend in chicago
told me how fuct i really was
and ended it abruptly two years ago
never again to speak to him
i would find out the other nite
i have to mourn it and grieve since i have been in
denial for two years.
typical time-frame for dealing with the death of a loved one.
when that happened.
well, that was the turning point.
seeing i might just be someone else;s idea of a funny joke
lets talk dingbat into joining the oto so we can use her to do it
and when she;s finished it won't matter to her anymore
to be a part of a peer group
to be a part of
anything
cuz she wont care anymore
about life amongst the living
it would take a dead soul not a shell
a living dead soul of love
to do it
knowing i would not get a thing in return
because that's how i have always operated and functioned i never
expected much though at time felt i deserved at least a little better
then
i expect nothing because there is nothing
worth fighting for in this flesh world
there is no true love
i was sent here to do the job
and die
that's how it appears
truly
i used sabotage my happiness
because i was afraid to receive a good-thing because it be taken away or disappear suddenly never to return
and used to do it knowing it was the wrong thing to be doing , why i entered the years of therapy
then i learned it was ok to give me permission to at least try to be better to myself in a relationship with me. and i have achieved that over the years in this past 11
i know how to be alone.
and what to do to stay busy.
i had livihood.
finished with the work
i am ruined inside by what i know
and i can't think much about anything else
sine i am caught up in it
and its pretty bleak
was thinking about the fact i have been living a fantasy
i believed more humans liked me than not, that I was admired and worthy of
but the actions are tellingf a different story
and along the way i pretended it wasnt' happening
the fact i was being raped pillaged pkundedrd drowned stalked death threats running
losing everytbing
telling myself it wasn't bad as it seemed
and holding certain ones high in my memory by talking to them in the airs
as if they were actually there
like methy
imaginary friend
in realtime
a cold hearted human with good heart sharing his knowledge but betraying me
i was duped into an occult worl didnt want to go forth with
with those beings when i met them all
i didnj't like half of them
and the mentor disappeared
and when he showed he was usually putting me down
pointing out how fuct i am always
and in the end i see
i am the joke of the aeon
i'll bet he laffed ass of after he cut off in august of 2009
i'll they all celebrated their freeom the lights are all on
the bitch did the dirty need
she'll fold
can't take on a bunch of archetypes shes bent
and sick
twisted and warped out
when she dies
dont be surprised
who cares
you made it clear you dont
i tried
i am an idiot
my hand is ruined
my left one
they had to basically
HACK THE FUCK OUT OF IT AN DAM COMING INTO REALITY IT WILL TRULY NEVER EVER BE THE SAME
I CANT CUT MY FINGER NAILS ON THE RIGHT HAND WITH OUT HACKING IN TO THE NAIL BED
CUZ I HAVE NO STRENGTH NO GRIP
SO THE SHUNNING
OR ABANDONMENT
WAS THEIR WAY OF TELLING ME
THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME
THEY NEVER DID
THEY JUST NEEDED MY ABVILITY TO DO THE WORK THEY DIDN'T WANT TO?
I WAS USED
TO TURN THE TREE OF LIFE ON
EVERYBODY BENEFITS
CEPT ME
I MEAN IT
I WANT LIFE NO MORE
I HAVE BEEN DOING THINGS THIS YEAR
THAT MAKE IT CLEAR
I AM HURTING MY BODY
IN WAYS THAT ARE SIGNS
14 YEARS AGO I FAILED WHEN I SLICED THROUGH THE TWO ARTERIES IN UPPER RIGHT ARM BLED OUT DIED AND
HERE I AM
I WAS TOLD I HAVE LESSON NOW TO LEARN FROM THEN
I AM THINKING THIS TIME I DO IT I DO IT RIGHT
BLOW OUT THE BRAINS
NO
DEATHWISH
I HAVE HAD SEVERAL BRUSHES
WITH CARS WANTING TO HIT
ME
WITH ME SMASHING IT THE SIDEWALK AND BUSHES TO AVOID HITTING WOMAN
WILL IT
WITH THE HELP OF MY ENEMIES
MAYBE IT WILL COME TO PASS
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
D7 LEGION HHEIRS TODESKINO FEVER THE MASSES ARE OUT THERE I AM ONE HERE ONLY ONE SMALL PART OF YOU CAN'T SEE ME I CAN SEE YOU FEEL
HRH
DISTRESSED IN EUROPE,
I TRAPPER JOHN MD ADDICT IN RECOVERY
ALSO
PERPETUATED MYTH ABOUT HRH QUEEN LIZ AND BEING ALL THINGS FROM "INCESTUAL TWON FRATERNAL BROTHER SISTER (TO) HUSBAND AND WIFE SECRET BIRTH CHARLES" OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT~
AND NO SIR
I AM NOT GAY IN FACT I AM ELATED THRILLED STOKE OVERJOYED UNDERBAKED AND LIMP FROM MUCH ACTIVITY AND MUCH ACCOMPLISHED TODAY.
STARTING IN THE CIRCUIT COURT (OF COURSE EMBEDDED WITHIN OUR PRECIOUS CITY THE VATICAN) WE HAD SOME WOE OVER BROTHER ARGUING OVER MONEY AND WE HAD TO SITUATE , NO RESITUATE BACK TO THE SACRED COLLEGE (HOLY SEE TO YOU SINNERS)
I DIGRESS AS I MENTIONED I HAD TO REAPPROPRIATE BROTHER STILPOR POLYCARP BACK INTO HIS ORIGINAL ROOM AT LOWER SOUTH END OF UH THE EASERN BORDER MONASATRY ON THE OUTSIDE EDGE OF V.C. (IF EVER THERE WAS BAD SIDE A BACK SIDE IF YOU WILL THIS IS IT)
WE HAVE NO JAILS TO SPEAK OF.
BROTHER ST.PO IS IN TROUBLE FOR OVERREACHING HIS ABILITY AND HIS INADEQUACY IS SOMEWHAT IRRELIGIOUS DUE FACT "HE WAS RAISED BY WOLVES" SO HIS SAVAGE BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS HIS FELLOW MONKS OVER "FARTING BELCHING AND WRECKING THE MEAL NIGHTLY" UNANIMOUS BEAN-O WAS OUTS MONTHS AGO THEY TOLD COURT SO WE DECIDED TO GIVE BROTHE ST.PO TWO WEEKS (QUGUST 31) to
deny his guild before a larger group of his peers (Cardninals x 10 from Sacred College)
we still have our ways of working out troubled monks if the issue arises as it has today.
it's discouraging to find out that the brother is ill in the bowel also suffering from nervous fits that brought on desire for strong beer and also for stimulants "stronger than our weak poor coffee"...this is not a good sigh sign oH yes wait It was an OMEN he told the court. his getting caught messing with the wrong types/ of things.
Disorderly conduct shouting matches and silent-treatment has lead to a hard rule today when he had a direct lead over the court and it recessed on his strength for the next two weeks
I AS POPE AM CONFOUNDED AND SUSPECT WITCHCRAFT.
YES SOD ALRIGHT TY THEN
LITIGATOIONS
EMOTIONALISMMSMSMSMS
WEEZ GOTZ VAMPYRES
ZOMBIES
ROBOTS
STOP STOP
CHANNELING KIM PATTERSON
MIZZ PATTERSON
STOP I AM NOT AOS
I AM JAR
JOE
REMEMBER ME MIZZ PATTERSON
PATERSON
AUSTIN OSMAN IS THAT AWAY PLEASE SLIDE
YOU
SCARING
ME...
HELO
HELO
LILS
LIZ
LILS
ASMO
HELP
MITHRAZ
GOJHGPEORHBGBTn
DISTRESSED IN EUROPE,
I TRAPPER JOHN MD ADDICT IN RECOVERY
ALSO
PERPETUATED MYTH ABOUT HRH QUEEN LIZ AND BEING ALL THINGS FROM "INCESTUAL TWON FRATERNAL BROTHER SISTER (TO) HUSBAND AND WIFE SECRET BIRTH CHARLES" OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT~
AND NO SIR
I AM NOT GAY IN FACT I AM ELATED THRILLED STOKE OVERJOYED UNDERBAKED AND LIMP FROM MUCH ACTIVITY AND MUCH ACCOMPLISHED TODAY.
STARTING IN THE CIRCUIT COURT (OF COURSE EMBEDDED WITHIN OUR PRECIOUS CITY THE VATICAN) WE HAD SOME WOE OVER BROTHER ARGUING OVER MONEY AND WE HAD TO SITUATE , NO RESITUATE BACK TO THE SACRED COLLEGE (HOLY SEE TO YOU SINNERS)
I DIGRESS AS I MENTIONED I HAD TO REAPPROPRIATE BROTHER STILPOR POLYCARP BACK INTO HIS ORIGINAL ROOM AT LOWER SOUTH END OF UH THE EASERN BORDER MONASATRY ON THE OUTSIDE EDGE OF V.C. (IF EVER THERE WAS BAD SIDE A BACK SIDE IF YOU WILL THIS IS IT)
WE HAVE NO JAILS TO SPEAK OF.
BROTHER ST.PO IS IN TROUBLE FOR OVERREACHING HIS ABILITY AND HIS INADEQUACY IS SOMEWHAT IRRELIGIOUS DUE FACT "HE WAS RAISED BY WOLVES" SO HIS SAVAGE BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS HIS FELLOW MONKS OVER "FARTING BELCHING AND WRECKING THE MEAL NIGHTLY" UNANIMOUS BEAN-O WAS OUTS MONTHS AGO THEY TOLD COURT SO WE DECIDED TO GIVE BROTHE ST.PO TWO WEEKS (QUGUST 31) to
deny his guild before a larger group of his peers (Cardninals x 10 from Sacred College)
we still have our ways of working out troubled monks if the issue arises as it has today.
it's discouraging to find out that the brother is ill in the bowel also suffering from nervous fits that brought on desire for strong beer and also for stimulants "stronger than our weak poor coffee"...this is not a good sigh sign oH yes wait It was an OMEN he told the court. his getting caught messing with the wrong types/ of things.
Disorderly conduct shouting matches and silent-treatment has lead to a hard rule today when he had a direct lead over the court and it recessed on his strength for the next two weeks
I AS POPE AM CONFOUNDED AND SUSPECT WITCHCRAFT.
YES SOD ALRIGHT TY THEN
LITIGATOIONS
EMOTIONALISMMSMSMSMS
WEEZ GOTZ VAMPYRES
ZOMBIES
ROBOTS
STOP STOP
CHANNELING KIM PATTERSON
MIZZ PATTERSON
STOP I AM NOT AOS
I AM JAR
JOE
REMEMBER ME MIZZ PATTERSON
PATERSON
AUSTIN OSMAN IS THAT AWAY PLEASE SLIDE
YOU
SCARING
ME...
HELO
HELO
LILS
LIZ
LILS
ASMO
HELP
MITHRAZ
GOJHGPEORHBGBTn
Thursday, August 4, 2011
I DUNT LIKE IT::I CALL DISS "MICROWAR"
MICROWAR WON.
ONE.
ME,
GOD ONE ONLY.
ONE
FAT
HER
DAU\G
H-T(H)
ER
DAV
ONE.
ME,
GOD ONE ONLY.
ONE
FAT
HER
DAU\G
H-T(H)
ER
DAV
etet-ess-tee
Karol Józef Wojtyła = 1105 [&kappaαρολζφωοτα]
| Transliteration | Definition | Word |
|---|---|---|
| agkhura | Anchor, support | αγχυρα |
| eeroos | Eros - god of love and son of Aphrodite | ερωσ |
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