MANY PERSONALITIES IN HERE
ALL ONE ME
BUT IN PIECES
MILLION OF PIECES OF ME BROEKEN UP LIKE SO MANY SHELLS AND RESPONSIBLE FOR SO MUCH SUFFERING IT'S UNBEARABLE TO GO ON REALLY
AND I AM NOT KIDDING THIS IS FUCT TIME
I KNEW WOULD BE
IT HAS BEEN ALL ALONG
I CAN SAY IT NOW SINCE THE STIMULANT FORCES THE POND SCUM TO THE SURFACE.
I AM UGLY ALWAYS ALWAYS WILL BE
NO MATTER HOW PRETTY THEY THINK I AM TO THEIR EYES
I DONT HAVE MY MOON ANYNORE
SHE WAS MY GIRL AND SINCE THEN
I HAVE BEEN
NEVER THE SAME AGAIN
LOST IN A MIDSPACE OF A ME THAT CANT REMEMBER HOW IT GOT TO THIS PLACE SO SWIFTLY AND THE THINGS THAT LEAD UP A LIFE OF MOSTLY TRAGEDY
MUCH MUCH HOPE FOR YEARS
ALWAYS SAW THE BEST IN A PERSON
AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM
I CAN SEE THE BEST IN ME BACK THEN
AND IMPOSSIBLE TO GRAB AHOLD OF NOT LET GO...IT SEEMS EVERYTIME I WOULD GET A PLACE, MY FOOTING, CONSISTENCY AND THE CONCEPT OF SUCCESS IN LIFE HAPPENING BECAUSE GOOD THINGS WERE GOING BECAUSE I WASN'T AFRAID TO REACH FOR IT? NOPE, IT WASN'T ABOUT MY FEAR, IT SEEMS A LOT OF THE TIME WHENEVER A GOOD THING WOULD HAPPEN TO ME AN OUTSIDE INFLUENCE THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH MY CHORONZON WOULD BE WAITING TO ATTACK.
LIKE MY MOM, THE DAY I LEARNED I GOT SOCIAL SECURITY. SHE'S GOING TO TURN ON ME AND BE A TOTAL BITCH AND MY DAD IS GOING TO BEAT MY ASS WHILE I AM SLEEPING UPSTAIRS BECAUSE HE WAS PIST I HAD DRANK TO PASS OUT PEACEFULLY IN MY ROOM DOOR CLOSED
AND HE CAME IN
OUT OF NOWHERE FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN PIST I TOLD HIM TO GET OUT I AM NOT HHNGRY I DONT WANT DINNER I AM NOT FEELING WELL
I DRANK TOO MUCHSCHNAPPS AND IT FUCT ME UP FAST
TOOK MY MOMS 4 AND AHALF VICODINS WITH THAT
THEN
PASSED OUT
AND HE MY ASS WHILE I WAS WOUND UP AND COVERED IN THE BLANKIE AND LET HIM GO AHEAD I DIDN'T FIGHT I JUST CRIED AND HE HURT ME PRETTY DAMNED BADLY
I HAD TO CALL THE COPS.
THEY HAD TO TAKE ME TO A SAFE SPOT
AND I HAD TO GO HOME TO EUGENE
LIKE I ALWAYS DO AFTER HAVING BEEN WITH THE FOLKS
THE CRUELEST MOST TWISTED SCENE OF SADISTS I HAVE EVER KNOWN
CRUEL
SO FUCKING CRUEL
AND THEN SO KIND AND GENEROUS WITH FOOD MONEY AND GIFTS
I TRIED MANY ANGLES COMMUNICATING TO DAD ABOUT THE WORLD SITUATION WHAT'S GOING ON WHAT'S HIS OPINION
I ALSO TOLD HIM A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TRUTH AS I KNOW IT ABOUT THE FUTURE FROM BIBLICAL ANGLE
AND FOR THE LAST TIME
I WOULD LISTEN TO THEM TELL ME HOW NON BELEIVING THEY ARE
SO TOTALLY NON BELIEVING THEY ACTUALLY SMILED WITH APPROVAL SITTING TOGETHER ON DADS OFFICE COUCH WHILE I WAS WORKING GEMATRIA LAZY MAN STYLE ONLINE AND TELLING THEM ABOUT THEIR NAMES EACH HAVING THE NUMBERS THAT SPELL OUT SATAN...THE LETTERS JOAN IS 771 AND STAN 770
I SAID IT AND THAT WAS THE DAY ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE, THEY ATTACKED ME LIKE SAVAGES HER TOO.
THEY HAVE DONE THIS SHIT TO ME SINCE I CAN RECALL.
IN EAARLY YOUTH IT WAS HER HIDING IN BATHROOM AT NBTE WITH WHITE FACE MASK ON IN THE BLACK CORNER IN THE DARK, KATHY WAS 4 YRS TOUNGER THAN ME AND SHE'D START CRYING. I'D HAVE TO SEARCH AROUND THE HOUSE FOR HER, NOT FUN EITHER SINCE IT WAS SMALL BUT THE AREA OF THE HALL AND THE TWO BEDROOMS AND ESPECIALLY THE BATHROOM TERRIFIED ME IN A WAY I STILL WENT ON ALONE LOOKING FOR HER, KATHY IN THE WELL LIT LIVING ROOM SITITNG IN TH E MIDDLE OF IT BAWLING WHILE I AM SHOCKED INNTO FRIGHT JUMP WHEN MOM LEAPS OUT OF DARK CORNER AND YELLLS WWOWOOOOO!!!!!!! RIGHT IN MY FACE.
I DID MOT LIKE THAT BUT
I WASN'T ALLOWED TO CRY
NO SHIT
I CAN STILL HARDLY WRITE IT
AND BELIEVE IT
ITS SO FUCKED UP AND WEIRD
I AM DEAD SERIOUS
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IS
IF I STARTED TO SHOW TEARS AND THEY WOULD ROLL AT TIMES THEY WOULD GET PIST (HIM)
OR TOLD TO STOP THAT RIGHT NOW OR YOU WILL REALLY BE GETTING UPSET
AND THEN I WOULD BAWL
DEPENDING ON THE SITUATION
I MEAN
SOB
CONVULISVELY
AND DAD WAS NEVER THERE
ALWAYS ALWAYS GONE THE WHOLK TIME I WAS 0-17
WORKED HIS ASS OFF
AND NEVER TOLD ME HE LOVED ME TIL I WAS 27
SO I AM KIND OF WASTED ALREADY WITH THE APPROVAL LEVEL
LOVE IS ALONG THOSE LINES FOR ME
I EQUATE APPROVAL FROM OTHERS, ACCEPTANCE IS A BETTER WORD, I SEE THOSE WTH LOVE
TO BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED.
AND TO BE ABLE TO LOVE AND RECIPROCATE
I WAS EQUIPPED ONCE
FOR THE PERFECT GUY I DREAMT OF
THAT LASTED TIL I JOINED THE OTO
THE OTO
ReplyDeleteWAS A SET-UP
MY DAD TOLD ME RECENTLY THAT MY MENTOR WAS IN CAHOOTS WITH MY LODGE ALL ALONG AND KNEW THEM PRIOR TO ME KOINING.
WELLL NO SHIT I TOLD DAD.
ACTUALLY
HE GOT ME TO THINKING
SINCE I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY HE USED THE WORD "cahoots"
AS IF THERE WAS A CONSPIRACY
IT SEEMS I WAS AN INSTRUMENT
THEY GO ON IN THE CITY OTO
AND SUCCEED IN LIFE AT WHAT
ROBB BARBI
AND
YURI
WERE IN EUGENE WHITEAKER YESTERDAY
YURI
SEVEN YEARS TO THE DAY AFTER HE ROBBED THE BAMK
IT WAS THE WORST DECSION I HAVE EVER MADE
TO LIVE WITH HIM
CO MINGLE WITH THE SLOPPIEST FILTHIEST DOUCHE BAG
OCCULTIST WITCH WANNABES
NO RESPECT
DIGUSTED WHEN I SAW IT IN ITS FORM
AND UNCLEAR WHAT I WS DOING THERE.
I DID IT
AND I HATED IT
EVERY BIT THEY WERE ALL SHIT FUCKERS
ALL PUKES
AND LIARS
CEPT MAYBE ONE
THE LODGEMASTER DJ
AND JK
MOST OF MY CLOSEST DISAPPEARED WHEN I DID
STILL
I RESENT HAVING BEEN LEAD TO BELIVE I WAS DOING A GREAT THING
BY LEAVING MY HOME OF SAFETY
SIX YEARS A HERMIT
DYING TO GET OUT
I GUESS
WITH LUPUS KILLING ME
I WANTED IT
I REALLY HONESTLY HATE MY LIFE
I HAVE BEEN PRETENDING LONG= ENOUGH
TO GET BY
I USED TO BE ABLE TO TELL MYSELF THINGS EMBELLISHED MAYBE OR BELIEVE ITS A BETTER PICTURE THAN IT ACTUALLY IS
TO GET THROUGH A DAY WITHOUT BEING SAD OR DOWN
SOMETIMES I COULD FAKE IT AND MAKE IT
I CAN'T A FAKE ANYTHING ANYMORE
I AM BROKEN BODY
SPIRIT
HEART
MY PSYCHE IS RADIATING AND OOZING ALLO VER EVERYTHING AND WHILE I AM LEAKING OUT ALL THESE WELL MEANING MEN ARE TRYING TO GET THEIR COCKS IN ME
AND THAT'S WHATS GOING TO DO ME IN I FEAR
I CAN'T GO OUT
THIS THING WITH DAVE
HAPPENED CUZ I VENTURED OUT ONE EARLY MORNING LOOKING FOR HIM IN THE HOOD WONDERING IF HE HAD SOME POT
AND SINCE HE OWED ME I FELT IT WOULD BE OK TO GET IT FROM HIM BUT HE WASN'T THERE STILL I INVOKED HIM SINCE I WENT ACROSS TOWN TO DUMPSTER DIVE FOR SOME MONEY FOR RAT FOOD
AND I RAT INTO HIM AT SAFEWAY
AND HE'S A STALKER
FOR SURE IN THE MAKING FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE IN APRIL TRIES IN THE PAST WEEK
DELUSIONAL
I AM IN A DRUGGED WORLD OF WICKEDNESS
AND ALL I EVER REALLY DUG WAS GOOD BUD AND A REGULAR SUPPLY THAT DOESN'T END MEANING IF I HAD THE MEDICINE I NEED HERE AND DOSED OUT, I WOULDN'T BE IN THE SHAPE I AM IN
ITS A DRAG TO BE ME TOO SINCE THEY ALL OFFER POT OR SOMETHING
MOST JUST POT OR A BEER
I SMOKE NO DRINKING ANYMORE I QUIT THAT WAS EASY
I REGULARLY DONT AND SAY NO TO IT ALL CEPT THE WEED DAVE KNOWS I LIKE SPEED ONCE IN A BLUE MOON
I HAVE TAKEN METH A TOTAL OF FOUR TIMES SO FAR THIS YEAR. MEANING I HAVE HAD FOUR DIFFERENT OCCASIONS ARISE FIRST WEEK IN APRIL, I DID IT OVER TWO DAYS
I DID IT ONCE IN JUNE
I DID IT ONCE LAST WEEK THURSDAY AND THEN I DID IT AGAIN LAST NITE
THIS KID JOHN SHOWS WITH ADDERALL
AND MONEY AND IS PASSED OUT ON MY KITCHEN FLOOR AS I WRITE.
EXHAUSTED ANGEL.
10/25/1991
IS HIS BIRTHDATE
JOHN LEAMAN IS HIS NAME
IT IS THE FIRST DAY OF VIRGO.
THE VIRGINS ARE IN THE HOUSE
WHEN THIS KID PICKED UP ON MY CONVERSATION TELLING DAVE TO GO AND NEVER RETURN ( I PUT MYSELF IN HIS SHOES WITH REGARDS TO AL LTHE REJECTION I HAVE HAD OVER THE YEARS, FINALLY UNDERSTANDING THERE MUST BE AN UNSAVOURY QUALITY ABOUT ME THAT I KNOW IS THERE BUT IS MUCH WORSE THAN I AM AWARE OF; I USE THE PEOPLE WHO EJECTED ME AS BAROMETER
ReplyDeleteAND IT SEEMS I AM NOT WORTHY OF DECENT FRIENDS.
WHO ARE SMARTEER THAN ME, WISER THAN ME, MORE CLEVER THAN ME, I DUNNO. THINKING ABOUT ROBB AND BARBI, YURI. METHYPNOX GIVING UP MICHAEL VERTEX As a friend , JUST BECAUSE I WAS TOLD NO.
I WAS UNDER HIS CONTROL THEIR CONTROL? MAYBE BUT NO. NEVER. NOT REALLY.
THE TABLES FLIPPED UPSIDE AND I KICKED A BUNCH OF YOUR SHIT IN YOUR FACES, YOUR COINS AND YOUR MANTRAS, AND YOUR BUDDHAS AND YOU TEMPLES AND YOUR ALTARS AND YOUR PRIESTS AND YOUR PRIESTESSES And youR POWER AND THE NEED FOR MORE FROM SOMETHING UNSEEN YOU RIPPED MY HEART OUT
YOU SPAT ON ME
YOU TOLD ME I WAS EVIL
AND YOU FALSELY ACCUSED ME OF ATTACKING YOU
OF WANTING TO HURT
YOU
amd causing TROUBLE FOR YOU
TO BUT AND DON'T BOTHER YOUR FRIEND ONLINE IS WHAT LEAD TO THE END OF IT ALL IN AUGUST 09
I ALWAYS FELT THAT I HAD SOLIDARITY WITH THE MAN I NEVER ONCE TOOK HIM FOR GRANTED NOT ONCE
I WAS ALWAYS SO GREATFUL JUST OT HAVE A HASOUND AND WELL BALANCED FRIEND
BUT HE NEVER FRIENDED ME
HE DID ONCE
I THINK HE WAS THE WITCH AND HE CAST A HORRIBLE SPELL ON ME
AND I KNEW I WAS BEING HURT JUST BECAUSE I GOT TOO CLINGY OR WAS FRIGHTEBNED VERY THEN FEARFUL FOR HIS LIFE AND MY SONS I WANTED NO HARM TO COME TO THEM
AND THEN FINDING OUT THE SOURCE OF ALL MY SUFFERING
HAD TO DO A LOT WITH TRUST IN A SITUATION I HAD NO RIGHT OT EVEN CONSIDER BEING AS IMPROTANT AS IT WAS TO ME BECAUSE I HAD IT BUILT UP INTO THIS TEMPLE THING ME AND HIM SHARED IN ASTRAL
PROBLEM IS
HE DIDN'T SHARE IT
IN FACT
HE DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW ME ANYMORE
AND TO LEAVE HIS FRIENDS ALONE HOW DARE I WRITE TO ONE
SO I HEARD IT
NEVER WAS A FRIEND
I ALREADY KNEW THAT
JUST A VOICE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE A CONVINCING ONE
BUT I AM HOPELESS
I SEE GOOD IN EVERYTHING IN EVERYBODY
AND IN HIM THE MOST SO WHEN CRASHED AND SAW THE TRUTH
I WAS LIVING IN A MAKE BELIEVE WORLD OF ONE
TO COPE WITH EVERYTHING HAPPENING SO FAST THE BEATING THE ROBBEERY THE FBI ALL OF IT THE CAR ROGER THE FACT I AM GOING TO LOSE IT IN ACTS OF DESPERATIOIN
VERY OBVIOUSLY DESPERATE
AND THEY KNEW IT
ALL OF THEM
HIM ESPECIALLY
KNEW I WAS GULLIBLE
NAIVE
AND EASILY TRICKED
AND FOOLED
AND I AM INEXPERIENCED
I AM A ESOTERIC OCCULTIST BY BIRTHRIGHT
I HAVE THE MYSTERY OF IT ON ME
I HATE IT
IT'S LEAD ME NOWHERE BUT TO THE GRIM TRUTH
I HAD TO KNOW.
IT'S BEEN BUGGING FOR ABOUT 50 YEARS NOW...
AND I AM ONE MOTHER-FUCKING
ReplyDeletePOWERFUL
SONOFABITCH.
WITH NO DESIRE TO USE IT ANYMORE ON ANYTHING. IT ROLLLS OFF ME. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS WALK AROUND OUT THERE. IT DRAWS THEM IN AND THEY COME IN FLOCKS
I FEEL LIKE MONTGOMERY CLIFF IN SUDDENLY, LAST SUMMER AS THE NATIVE MEN OF THE ISLAND, ALL HOT AND HEAVY TO EAT HIM ALIVE AND THEY SWOOP DOWN ON HIM IN ONE HUGE MASS AND CONSUME HIM AND HIS WHITE SUMMER SUIT
I SAY THE WORD
ReplyDeleteIT'S HAPPENING
I AM UNFOLDING INTO THE OTHER DIMENSION
IN AND OUT OF THIS AB SO FUCKING LUTELY
MY SAVING GRACE
MY CONTINUAL CONTACT WITH HOME BASE
SUPERNAL
I LIVE THERE WITH DAILY CHECK-INS DOWN HERE. THIS PLANET IS A MAJOR FUCKING BUMMER
AND MY CITY IS IN DEEP NEED OF SOME READJUSTMENTS
FROM THE LAW AND ITS ARCHAIC SYSTEM ERODING INTO A PILE OF HORSESHIT AND THE FACT THERE ARE PEOPLE LESS EDUCATED THEN ME(?) REGARDING MY CASE, LACK OF KNOWLEDGE AROUND DEXTROSTAT, MY LAST NAME , WHAT MY IS IS BASED ON AND WHY I HAVE NO DOCTOR THE PEOPLE ARE STUPIDS AND THEY ARE ROBOT
I F I CAN STAND IN THE COURTROOM AND HOLD IT LIKE I DID LAST WEEK WITH THE HONOURABLE JUSGE CH.....AND GAIN MUCH RESPECT FROM HER WHILE CORRECTING TWO ATTORNEYS AND ONE LEGAL AID BECAUSE ALL WERE ATTEMPTING TO INFORM THE JUDGE ABOUT CASE WITH MISINFORMATION. AND A LACK OF. AND TWISTING STORIES TWICE THE ATTORNIES EACH DID IT.
IT WAS STOOPID. I MEAN IT.
I WAS THERE. AND I DID IT.
CUZ OF THE POWER OF INDWELLING OF HOSP
AND THE ANGEL OF THE LORD IS WHERE?
UPON ME HE WHISPERED IN MY EAR WITH HANDS ON MY SHOULDERS\2 YEARS AGO RIGHT NOW IN THE AMAZON PARK FOREST...