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THE COLLECTED WRITINGS OF JACK PARSONS

The Book of Babalon, The Book of Antichrist, and other writings


PART ONE
THE BOOK OF BABALON
January 4 - March 4, 1946 E.V.
INTRODUCTION
This book contains the record of a magical experiment relating to the invocation of an elemental, the thereafter of the Goddess or Force called BABALON, and the results thereof. An appendix contains some details of the method, published for the first time. The contents should be clear enough to those who are prepared for understanding, and a little study and effort should make it so for those who desire understanding. For the rest, each will no doubt interpret it in accord with his own predilections.
A note on the underlying philosophy. The present age is under the influence of the force called, in magical terminology, Horus. This force relates to fire, Mars, and the sun, that is, to power, violence, and energy. It also relates to a child, being innocent (i.e. undifferentiated). Its manifestations may be noted in the destruction of old institutions and ideas, the discovery and liberation of new energies, and the trend towards power governments, war, homosexuality, infantilism, and schizophrenia.
This force is completely blind, depending upon the men and women in whom it manifests and who guide it. Obviously, its guidance now tends towards catastrophy.
The catastrophic trend is due to our lack of understanding of our own natures. The hidden lusts, fears, and hatreds resulting from the warping of the love urge, which underly the natures of all Western peoples, have taken a homicidal and suicidal direction.
This impasse is broken by the incarnation of another sort of force, called BABALON. The nature of this force relates to love, understanding, and dionysian freedom, and is the necessary counterbalance or correspondence to the manifestation of Horus.
It is indicated that this force is actually incarnate in some living woman, as the result of the described magical operation. A more basic matter, however, is the indication that this force is incarnate in all men and women, and needs only to be invoked to free the spirit from the debris of the old aeon, and to direct the blind force of Horus into constructive channels of under- standing and love. The methods of this invocation are described in the text.
The background of this material may be found in the Book of the Law, the Comment thereon, and other writings of Aleister Crowley; also in various magical, anthropological, psychological, and philosophical texts. These are all necessary to an understanding and use of the material.
One further point. It should be remembered that all human activities, after the vital functions are fulfilled, arise from the need to love or to be loved. It is therfore quite literally true that in understanding (i.e. that which embraces all categories of love) is all power given. A grasp of the principle of bipolarity should make this clear.
With this crude and rudimentary philosophical discourse, then, I present the Book of Babalon:
A. CONCEPTION
In January 1946 I had been engaged in the study and practice of Magick for seven years, and in the supervision and operation of an occult lodge for four years, having been initiated into the Sanctuary of the Gnosis by the Beast 666, Fra. 132, and Fra. Saturnus. At this time I decided upon a Magical operation designed to obtain the assistance of an elemental mate. This is a well known procedure in Magick (cf. Ch. VIII in Magick in Theory and Practice), consisting of the invocation of a spirit or elemental into tangible existence by various magical techniques.
I decided upon the use of the Enochian Tablets obtained by Dr. Dee and Edward Kelley, employing the *n*n*n square of the Air Tablet. The technique was approximately as follows:
(January 4, 1946, 9:00 PM)
1. Prepared and consecrated Air Dagger. (The other magical weapons were previously prepared. This dagger served as the special talisman of the operation.) 2. Prepared Enochian Air Tablet on virgin parchment. 3. Prepared Parchment Talisman 4. Rituals as follows: (a) Invoking Pentagram of Air. (b) Invocation of Bornless One. (c) Conjuration of Air. (d) Consecration of Air Dagger. (e) Key Call of third Aire. (f) Invocation of God and King of Aire. (g) Invocation of Six Seniors. (h) Invocation of (RZDA) by *n*n*n and (EXARP), to visible appearance. (i) Invocaton of wand with material basis on talisman. (j) Invocation with dagger. (k) License to depart, purification, and banishing. I followed this procedure for eleven days, from January 4 to 15, with the following entries in my record: January 5. A strong windstorm beginning suddenly about the middle of the first invocation. Jan 6. Invoked as before. Wind storm continued intermittently all day and night. Jan 7. Invoked twice. Wind subsided. Used Prokofief Violin Con- certo No. 2 as musical background. Jan 8. Invoked twice, using blood. Jan 9. Invoked twice, replenishing material basis. Jan 10. Invoked twice. I retired about 11 PM, and was awakened at 12 PM by nine strong, rapid knocks. A table lamp at the opposite corner of the room was thrown violently to the floor and broken. There was no window in this corner, and no wind was blowing at the time.
(Note. I have had little experience with phenomena of this sort. Magically speaking, it usually represents "breaks" in the operation, indicating imperfect technique. Actually, in any magical opeation there should be no phenomena but the willed result.)
Jan 11. Invoked twice, using blood.
Jan 12. Invoked twice. A heavy windstorm.
Jan 13. Invoked twice. Windstorm continued.
Jan 14. The light system of the house failed about 9 PM. Another magician who had been staying at the house and studying with me, was carrying a candle across the kitchen when he was struck strongly on the right shoulder, and the candle knocked out of his hand. He called us, and we observed a brownish yellow light about seven feet high in the kitchen.
I banished with a magical sword, and it disappeared. His right arm was paralyzed for the rest of the night.
Jan 15. Invoked twice. At this time the Scribe developed some sort of astral vision, describing in detail an old enemy of mine of whom he had never heard, and later the guardian forms of Isis and the Archangel Michael. Later, in my room, I heard the raps again, and a buzzing, metallic voice crying "let me go free." I felt a great pressure and tension in the house that night, which was also noticed by the other occupants. There was no other phenomena, and I admit a feeling of disappointment.
The feeling of tension and unease continued for four days. Then, on January 18, at sunset, while the Scribe and I were on the Mojave desert, the feeling of tension suddenly snapped. I turned to him and said, "it is done," in absolute certainty that the operation was accomplished. I returned home, and found a young woman answering the requirements waiting for me. She is describable as an air of fire type with bronze red hair, fiery and subtle, determined and obstinate, sincere and perverse, with extraordinary personality, talent, and intelligence.
During the period of January 19 to February 27 I invoked the Goddess BABALON with the aid of my magical partner, as was proper to one of my grade.
B. COMMUNICATIONS
On February 27 my magical partner went East for a visit, and on Feb. 28 I went back to the Mojave, invoking BABALON. During this invocation, the presence of the Goddess came upon me, and I was commanded to write the following communication:

LIBER 49

1. Yea, it is I, BABALON.
2. And this is my book, that is the fourth chapter of the Book of the Law, He completing the Name, for I am out of NUIT by HORUS, the incestuous sister of RA-HOOR-KHUIT.
3. It is BABALON. TIME IS. Ye fools.
4. Thou hast called me, oh accursed and beloved fool.
5-8. (Missing and presumed lost. Ed.)
9. Now know that I, BABALON, would take flesh and come among men.
10. I will come as a penelous (sic) flame, as a devious song, a trumpet in judgement halls, a banner before armies.
11. And gather my children unto me, for THE TIME is at hand.
12. And this is the way of my incarnation. Heed!
13. Thou shalt offer all thou art and all thou hast at my altar, witholding nothing. And thou shalt be smitten full sore and thereafter thou shalt be outcast and accursed, a lonely wanderer in abominable places.
14. Ye Dare. I have asked of none other, nor have they asked. Else is vain. But thou hast willed it.
15. Know then that thus I came to thee before, thou a great Lord, and I a maid enrapt. Ah blind folly.
16. And thereafter madness, all in vain. Thus it has been, multiform. How thou hast burned beyond.
17. I shall come again, in the form thou knowest. Now it shall be thy blood.
18. The altar is aright, and the robe.
19. The perfume is sandal, and the cloth green and gold. There is my cup, our book, and thy dagger.
20. There is a flame.
21. The sigil of devotion. Be it consecrated, be it true, be it daily affirmed. I am not scorned. Thy love is to me. Procure a disk of copper, in diameter three inches paint thereon the field blue the star gold of me, BABALON.
22. It shall be my talisman. Consecrate with the supreme rituals of the word and the cup.
23. My calls as thou knowest. All love songs are of me. Also seek me in the Seventh Aire.
24. This for a time appointed. Seek not the end, I shall instruct thee in my way. But be true. Would it be hard if I were thy lover, and before thee? But I am thy lover and I am with thee.
25. I shall provide a vessel, when or whence I say not. Seek her not, call her not. Let her declare. Ask nothing. Keep silence. There shall be ordeals.
26. My vessel must be perfect. This is the way of her perfection.
27. The working is of nine moons.
28. The Astarte working, with music and feasting, with wine and all arts of love.
29. Let her be dedicated, consecrated, blood to blood, heart to heart, mind to mind, single in will, none without the circle, all to me.
30. And she shall wander in the witchwood under the Night of Pan, and know the mysteries of the Goat and the Serpent, and of the children that are hidden away.
31. I will provide the place and the material basis, thou the tears and blood.
32. Is it difficult, between matter and spirit? For me it is ecstacy and agony untellable. But I am with thee. I have large strength, have thou likewise.
33. Thou shalt prepare my book for her instruction, also thou shalt teach that she may have captains and adepts in her service. Yea, thou shalt take the black pilgrimage, but it will not be thou that returnest.
34. Let her prepare her work according to my voice in her heart, with thy book as guide, and none other instructing.
35. And let her be in all things wise, and sure, and excellent.
36. But let her think on this: my way is not in the solemn ways, or in the reasoned ways, but in the wild free way of the eagle, and the devious way of the serpent, and the oblique way of the factor unknown and unnumbered.
37. For I am BABALON, and she my daughter, unique, and there shall be no other women like her.
38. In My Name shall she have all power, and all men and excellent things, and kings and captains and the secret ones at her command.
39. The first servants are chosen in secret, by my force in her--a captain, a lawyer, an agitator, a rebel--I shall provide.
40. Call me, my daughter, and I shall come to thee. Thou shalt be full of my force and fire, my passion and power shall surround and inspire thee; my voice in thee shall judge nations.
41. None shall resist thee, whom I lovest. Though they call thee harlot and whore, shameless, false, evil, these words shall be blood in their mouths, and dust thereafter.
42. But my children will know thee and love thee, and this will make them free.
43. All is in thy hands, all power, all hope, all future.
44. One came as a man, and was weak and failed.
45. One came as a woman, and was foolish, and failed.
46. But thou art beyond man and woman, my star is in thee, and thou shalt avail.
47. Even now thy hour strikes upon the clock of my FATHER. For He prepared a banquet and a Bridal Bed. I was that Bride, appointed from the beginning, as it was written T.O.P.A.N.
48. Now is the hour of birth at hand. Now shall my adept be crucified in the Basilisk abode. 49. Thy tears, thy sweat, thy blood, thy semen, thy love, thy faith shall provide. Ah, I shall drain thee like the cup that is of me, BABALON.
50. Stand thou fast, and I shall pass the first veil to speak with thee, through the stars shake.
51. Stand thou fast, and I shall pass the second veil, while God and Jesus be smitten with the sword of HORUS.
52. Stand thou fast, and I shall pass the third veil, and the shapes of hell shall be turned again to loveliness.
53. For thy sake shall I stride through the flames of Hell, though my tongue be bitten through.
54. Let me behold thee naked and lusting after me, calling upon my name.
55. Let me receive all thy manhood within my Cup, climax upon climax, joy upon joy.
56. Yea, we shall conquer death and Hell together.
57. And the earth is mine.
58. Thou shalt (make the?) Black Pilgrimage.
59. Yea it is even I BABALON and I SHALL BE FREE. Thou fool, be thou also free of sentimentality. Am I thy village queen and thou a sophomore, that thou shouldst have thy nose in my buttocks?
60. It is I, BABALON, ye fools, MY TIME is come, and this my book that my adept prepares is the book of BABALON.
61. Yea, my adept, the Black Pilgrimage. Thou shalt be accursed, and this is the nature of the curse. Thou shalt publish the secret matter of the adepts thou knowest, witholding no word of it, in an appendix to this my Book. So they shall cry fool, liar, sot, traducer, betrayer. Thou art not glad thou meddled with magick?
62. There is no other way, dear fool, it is the eleventh hour.
63. The seal of my Brother is upon the earth, and His Avatar is before you. There is threshing of wheat and a trampling of grapes that shall not cease until the truth be known unto the least of men.
64. But you who do not accept, you who see beyond, reach out your hands my children and reap the world in the hour of your harvest.
65. Gather together in the covens as of old, whose number is eleven, that is also my number. Gather together in public, in song and dance and festival. Gather together in secret, be naked and shameless and rejoice in my name.
66. Work your spells by the mode of my book, practicing secretly, inducing the supreme spell.
67. The work of the image, and the potion and the charm, the work of the spider and the snake, and the little ones that go in the dark, this is your work.
68. Who loves not hates, who hates fears, let him taste fear.
69. This is the way of it, star, star. Burning bright, moon, witch moon.
70. You the secret, the outcast, the accursed and despised, even you that gathered privily of old in my rites under the moon.
71. You the free, the wild, the untamed, that walk now alone and forlorn.
72. Behold, my Brother cracks the world like a nut for your eating.
73. Yea, my Father has made a house for you, and my Mother has prepared a Bridal Bed. My Brother has confounded your enemies.
74. I am the Bride appointed. Come ye to the nuptials--come ye now!
75. My joy is the joy of eternity, and my laughter is the drunken laughter of a harlot in the house of ecstasy.
76. All you loves are sacred, pledge them all to me.
77. Set my star upon your banners and go forward in joy and victory. None shall deny you, and none shall stand before you, because of the Sword of my Brother. Invoke me, call upon me, call me in your convocations and rituals, call upon me in your loves and battles in my name BABALON, wherein is all power given!
C. BIRTH
[March 2, 1946 E.V.]
On March 1 and 2 1946 I prepared the altar and equipment in accordance with the instructions in Liber 49. The Scribe had been away about a week, and knew nothing of my invocations of BABALON, which I had kept entirely secret. On the night of March 2 he returned, and described a vision he had that evening of a savage and beautiful woman riding naked on a great cat-like beast. He was impressed with the urgent necessity of giving me some message or communication. We prepared magically for this communication, constructing a temple at the altar with the analysis of the key word. He was robed in white, carrying the lamp, and I in black, hooded, with the cup and dagger. At his suggestion we played Rachmanninoff's Isle of the Dead as background music, and set an automatic recorder to transcribe any audible occurrences. At approximately 8 PM he began to dictate, I transcribing directly as I received.
THE SCRIBE: "The Angel of TARO. A three day retirement to greet her. Purify thyself. The symbol is seven by three. It is BABALON. Keep secret. The communications are sacred."
"These are the preparations. Green gold cloth, food for the Beast, upon a hidden platter, back of the altar. Disclose only when the doors are bolted."
"Transgression is death."
"Back of main altar. Prepare instantly. Light the first flame at 10 PM, March 2, 1946."
"The year of BABALON is 4063."
"Beware of the use of profaned rituals."
"She is flame of life, power of darkness, she destroys with a glance, she may take thy soul. She feeds upon the death of men."
"Beautiful--Horrible."
The Scribe, now pale and sweating, rested awhile, then continued:
[The First Ritual]
"The first ritual. Tomorrow the second ritual. Concentrate all force and being in Our Lady BABALON. Light a single light on Her altar, saying: Flame is Our Lady, flame is Her hair. I am flame."
"A plate of food, unsalted. An altar cloth hitherto undefiled."
"Make a box of blackness at ten o'clock. Smear the vessel which contains flame with thine own blood. Destroy at the altar a thing of value. Remain in perfect silence, and heed the voice of Our Lady. Speak not of this ritual or of Her coming to any person. If asked, answer in a manner that avoids suspicion. Nor speculate at any time as to Her future mortal identity. To receive flattering communications to thy damnation. Press not to receive teachings beyond those given."
"Questions: you may ask but three. Spend one half hour in composing these at 11:30 PM. The answers must be written at midnight."
"Thou shalt take the alkahest in thine own mouth, and in the box of darkness carefully store this matter."
"Display thyself to Our Lady; dedicate thy organs to Her, dedicate thy heart to Her, dedicate thy mind to Her, dedicate thy soul to Her, for She shall absorb thee, and thou shalt become living flame before She incarnates. For it shall be through you alone, and no one else can help in this endeavour."
"It is lonely, it is awful."
"Retire from human contact until noon tomorrow. Clear all profane documents on the morrow, before receiving further instructions. Consult no book but thine own mind. Thou art a god. Behave at this altar as one god before another. And so be prosperity."
"Thou art the guardian and thou art the guide, thou art the worker and the mechanic. So conduct thyself. Discuss nothing of this matter until thou art certain that thine understanding embraces all."
Here the Scribe ceased dictation. I proceeded to follow these instructions and those of March 1, utilizing the following rituals. I include the rituals used in the operation of the first night, in order to indicate the nature of the Force invoked.
1
[The First Invocation]
The temple is opened with the analysis of the key word:
I N R I. Yod Nun Resh Yod. Virgo Isis Mighty Mother. Scorpio Apophis Destroyer. Sol, Osiris slain and risen. IAO. The sign of Osiris slain (given). The sign of the mourning of Isis (given). The sign of Apophis and Typhon (given). LVX, Lux, the Light of the Cross.
The invoking hexagram is drawn in the four quarters and the name ARARITA vibrated in each quarter. In closing, the hexagram is reversed.
2
The [Second] Invocation
(From the Gnostic Mass)
THE PRIEST
"O circle of stars whereof our Father is but the younger brother, marvel beyond imagination, soul of infinite space, before whom time is ashamed, the mind bewildered, and the understanding dark, not unto thee may we attain unless thine image be love. Therefore by seed and root and stem and bud and leaf and flower and fruit do we invoke thee."
BABALON
"But to love me is better than all things; if under the night stars in the desert thou presently burnest mine incense before me, invoking me with a pure heart and the serpent flame therein, thou shalt come a little to lie in my bosom. For one kiss wilt thou be willing to give all. But whoso gives one particle of dust shall lose all in that hour. Ye shall gather goods and store of women and spices; ye shall wear rich jewels; ye shall exceed the nations of earth in splendour and pride; but always in the love of me, and so shall ye come to my joy. I charge you earnestly to come before me in a single robe, and covered with a rich headdress. I love you! I yearn to you! Pale or purple, veiled or voluptuous, I who am all pleasure and purple and drunkenness of the innermost sense, desire you. Put on the wings, and arouse the coiled splendour within you: come unto me! to me! Sing the rapturous love songs unto me! Burn to me perfume! Drink to me, for I love you! I love you! I am the blue lidded daughter of sunset, I am the naked brilliance of the voluptuous night sky. To me. To me."
3
The Third Invocation.
(From The Vision and the Voice)
CHORUS
"Glory unto the Scarlet Woman, BABALON, the Mother of Abomination, that rideth upon the Beast, for She hath spilt their blood in every corner of the earth, and lo! She hath mingled it in the cup of Her whoredom."
"With the breath of Her kisses hath she fermented it, and it hath become the wine of the Sabbath; and in the Holy Assembly hath She poured it out for Her worshippers; and they have become drunken thereon, so that face to face they beheld my Father. Thus are they made worthy to partake of the mystery of this holy vessel, for the blood is the life."
"Beautiful art thou O BABALON, and desirable, for thou hast given Thyself to everything that liveth, and thy weakness hath subdued their strength. For in that union Thou didst understand. Therefore art Thou called Understanding, O BABALON, Lady of the Night."
"O my God, in one last rapture let me attain to the union of the one with the many. For She is Love, and Her Love is one, and She has divided theone love into infinite loves, and each love is one, and equal with the One, and therefore is She passed from the Assembly and the Law and the enlightenment into the anarchy of solitude and darkness. For ever thus must She veil the brilliance of Herself."
4
[The Fourth Invocation]
O BABALON, BABALON beloved, come now, partake of the sacrament, possess this shrine. Take me now! Let me be drunken on the wine of your fornications; let your kisses wanton me to death. Accept thou this sacrifice willingly given!
5
The Fifth Invocation
The Call of the Seventh Aire
Rass I Salman Paradiz Oa-Crimi Aao Ial-Pir-Gah Qui-In Enay Butmon Od I Noas Ni Paradial Casarmg Vgear Chirlan Od Zonac Luciftan Cors Ta Vaul Zirn Tol Hami Sobol Ondoh Od Miam Chis Ta Zo Od Es V-Ma-Dea Od Pi-Bliar O Phil Rit Od Miam C-Crimi Quaada. Od. O-Michaloz Oriom Bagle Papnor I Dlugam Lonshi Od Umplif V-Ge-Gi Riglied. BABALON!
6
The Sixth Invocation
(from Tannhauser by A. Crowley)
Isis art thou, and from thy life are fed
All showers and suns, all moons that wax and wane,
All stars and streams, the living and the dead,
The mystery of pleasure and of pain
Thou art the mother, thou the speaking sea
Thou art the earth, and its fertility,
Life, death, love, hatred, light, darkness return to thee
To Thee!
Hathoor am I, and to my beauty drawn
All glories of the Universe bow down,
The blossom and the mountain and the dawn
Fruits blush, and women, our creations crown
I am the priest, the sacrifice, the shrine
I the love and life of the divine
Life, death, love, hatred, light, darkness are surely mine,
Are Mine!
Venus art thou, the love and light of earth,
The wealth of kisses, the delight of tears
The barren pleasures never came to birth,
The endless infinite delight of years.
Thou art the shrine at which my long desire
Devoured me with intolerable fire.
Thou wert song, music, passion, death upon my lyre--
My lyre.
I am the Grail and I the glory now;
I am the flame and fuel of thy breast
I am the star of God upon thy brow;
*mI am the queen, enraptured and possessed,
Hide thee sweet river, welcome to thee, sea
Ocean of love that shall encompass thee
Life, death, love, hatred, light, darkness return to me--
To me!
[March 2, 1946 E.V. continued]
On the night of the first performance of these rituals, I prepared the altar and box and food, also flowers and wine. At the beginning of the rituals, I burnt the Enochian Tablet and smashed an image of Pan, a favorite possession. (About this time the roof on my guest house caught fire from a faulty chimney, and was partly destroyed.)
I proceeded with the rituals, noting a mounting tension, and the sense of a presence inexpressibly poignant and desirable. There was no other manifestation. At twelve PM I put the three questions and received answers as follows:
1. How can I communicate directly with BABALON, hear her, see her, feel her, be sure that I am working aright?
Answer. "At the altar in meditation, as you know how. Also, invoke me carnally with all your passion. Thus will you feel my desire and increase my substance."
2. How can I serve best?
Answer. "Follow instructions exactly and in detail. Avoid loose interruptions. Be diligent. Do not hesitate or question, act. All depends on your time."
3. How can I be certain of the vehicle?
Answer. "Do not trouble yourself with this. It does not concern you. I will provide the vehicle, I will show you a sign, and signs. It is the now which concerns us. Keep your faith, think not overmuch."
After this an hour's meditation, and so to sleep.
[March 3, 1946 E.V.]
The next day I slipped badly. An inmate of the house disturbed my morning meditation. I opened the door and cursed him (in the Anglo Saxon fashion). Shortly after he was taken ill, and I succumbed to a black mood. I perceived my terrible error, and apologized to him, mentally withdrawing the curse. However, the day went very badly for me. That evening the Scribe and I resumed our work. In a short time the dictation began:
"In the presence of our Lord PAN, at the feet of Our Lady BABALON, at the feet of Her (servants?) (changing?) we declare unto thee this message (consecrated, dedicated, never to be defiled?) (the Scribe was uncertain here) containing the rituals of the second and third days, of the welcome and preparation in the Name of Our Lady of the Night most gracious, to pure lewd and whoresome Lady BABALON. Oh thou who art mortal tremble; given it is unto thee a feat never before performed in the annals of your histories, never before accomplished successfully. Many have dared, none succeeded."
"Our Lady BABALON must descend to triumph."
"Mortality. We have not asked this of another, nor shall we ever. Even now we doubt thy faith. Is this accepted, are you willing to proceed. Answer aloud."
Answer. "I am willing."
"Then know thou art already faulty in thy delivery. These are extraneous things. The elemental was not properly released," (this was corrected) "thou wert guilty of human rage, the current of force has been disturbed. Beware, should'st thou falter again, we will sure slay thee."
"But insofar as thy working was consecrated it has succeeded. Rectify thy mortal fault and error. Consecrate all. Now receive the second and third rituals."
The Second Ritual
[March 3, 1946 E.V. continued]
"Consecrate thyself as instructor of Our Lady Incarnate."
"Take the black box, concentrate upon its emptiness for one hour, gaze into it, and thou wilt see, imprinted upon it, a shape, a sign, a sacred design, which shall be the sign delivered by Our Lady Babalon Incarnate. When thou hast finished, when thou hast recognized this pattern, construct it in wood."
"This is the sigil."
"Ten be the hour appointed. Invoke long, to music indicated." [...] (This I keep secret.) "When thou canst feel Our Lady incarnate in thy being, take the black box and perform the consecrated rite. "Wear thou scarlet, symbolic of birth. Be sashed in black. It matters not the quality of goods. Take then the box, make then the sign."
"Paint upon it a second sign which thou knowest. If thou hast forgotten, gaze into thy crystal."
"Meditate while gazing on the qualities of an instructor. Thou shalt inscribe in Her book, for Her guidance."
"Thou art forbidden to leave thy room."
"The end of the second ritual."
At the end of this dictation, the Scribe showed signs of exhaustion. He rested awhile, then we continued:
The Third Ritual
[March 3 1946 E.V. continued]
"Begin four hours prior to dawn."
"A period of eradication of all inimical influences. Complete perfection. Wear black. Cut from thy breast the red star. Renew the blood. Lay out a white sheet. Place upon it blood of birth, since She is born of thy flesh, and by thy mortal power upon earth."
"Thou shalt recognize by the sign. BABALON is born! It is new birth, all things are changed, the signs, the symbols, the everything!"
"Thou shalt compass with the aid of the muse suitable invocation of the birth of BABALON, and this thou shalt deliver to the flames which now burn too."
"Now thou shalt flame the third, chanting the invocation. She is born in the third flame."
"In verse seven verses of seven lines, seven magick words. Stand and chant seven times. Envision thyself as a cloaked radiance desirable to the Goddess, beloved. Envision Her approaching thee. Embrace Her, cover Her with kisses. Think upon the lewd lascivious things thou couldst do. All is good to BABALON. ALL.
"Then rest, meditating on this:"
"Thou as a man and as a god hast strewn about the earth and in the heavens many loves, these recall, concentrate, consecrate each woman thou hast raped. Remember her, think upon her, move her into BABALON, bring her into BABALON, each, one by one until the flame of lust is high."
"Then compose a verse of undetermined lines on this, to BABALON. This verse shall be used in worship when she appears."
"Then meditate upon thy desire, think upon Her, and, touching naught, chant these verses. Recall each lascivious moment, each lustfull day, all set them into the astral body, touching naught."
"Preserve the material basis."
(Question: "In the box?" Answer: "Yes.")
"The lust is hers, the passion yours. Consider thou the Beast raping."
"Leave thy casual loves--all belongs to BABALON, thy lust is BABALON's. She is with thee three days. The sign is hers, secret, and no man knows its correspondence. Guard!"
The next section contains a prophecy which I shall not write here.
There follows the indicated invoking poem.
The Birth of Babalon
What is the tumult among the stars
that have shone so still till now?
What are the furrows of pain and wrath
upon the immortal brow?
Why is the face of God turned grey
and his angels all grown white?
What is the terrible ruby star
that burns down the crimson night?
What is the beauty that flames so bright
athwart the awful dawn?
She has taken flesh, she is come to judge
the thrones ye rule upon.
Quail ye kings for an end is come
in the birth of BABALON.
I have walked three dreadful nights away
in halls beyond despair,
I have given marrow and tears and sweat
and blood to make her fair.
I have lain my love and smashed my heart
and filled her cup with blood,
That blood might flow from the loins of woe
to the cup of brotherhood.
The cities reel in the shout of steel
where the sword of war is drawn.
Sing ye saints for the day is come
in the birth of BABALON.
Now God has called for his judgement book
and seen his name therein
And the grace of God and the guilt of God
have spelt it out as sin
His bloody priests have clutched his robes
and stained his linen gown
And his victims swarm from his broken hell
to drag his kingdom down.
O popes and kings and the little gods
are sick and sad and wan
To see the crimson star that bursts
like blood upon the dawn
While trumpets sound and stars rejoice
at the birth of BABALON.
BABALON is too beautiful
for sight of mortal eyes
She has hidden her loveliness away
in lonely midnight skies,
She has clothed her beauty in robes of sin
and pledged her heart to swine
And loving and giving all she has
brewed for saints immortal wine.
But now the darkness is riven through
and the robes of sin are gone,
And naked she stands as a terrible blade
and a flame and a splendid song
Naked in radiant mortal flesh
at the Birth of BABALON.
She is come new born as a mortal maid
forgetting her high estate,
She has opened her arms to pain and death
and dared the doom of fate,
And death and hell are at her back,
but her eyes are bright with life,
Her heart is high and her sword is strong
to meet the deadly strife,
Her voice is sure as the judgement trump
to crack the house of wrong,
Though walls are high and stone is hard
and the rule of hell was long
The gates shall fall and the irons break
in the Birth of BABALON.
Her mouth is red and her breasts are fair
and her loins are full of fire,
And her lust is strong as a man is strong
in the heat of her desire,
And her whoredom is holy as virtue is foul
beneath the holy sky,
And her kisses will wanton the world away
in passion that shall not die.
Ye shall laugh and love and follow her dance
when the wrath of God is gone
And dream no more of hell and hate
in the Birth of BABALON.

PART TWO
THE BOOK OF ANTICHRIST
The Black Pilgrimage Now it came to pass even as BABALON told me, for after receving Her Book I fell away from Magick, and put away Her Book and all pertaining thereto. And I was stripped of my fortune (the sum of about $50,000) and my house, and all I Possessed.
Then for a period of two years I worked in the world, recouping my fortune somewhat. But that was also taken from me, and my reputation, and my good name in my worldly work, that was in science.
And on the 31st of October, 1948, BABALON called on me again, and I began the last work, that was the work of the wand. And I worked for 17 days, until BABALON called me in a dream, and instructed me on an astral working. Then I reconstructed the temple, and began the Black Pilgrimage, as She instructed.
And I went into the sunset with Her sign, and into the night past accursed and desolate places and cyclopean ruins, and so came at last to the City of Chorazin. And there a great tower of Black Basalt was raised, that was part of a castle whose further battlements reeled over the gulf of stars. And upon the tower was this sign
And one heavily robed and veiled showed me the sign, and told me to look, and hehold, I saw flash below me four past lives wherein I had failed in my object. And I beheld the life of Simon Magus, preaching the Whore Helena as the Sophia, and I saw that my failure was in Hubris, the pride of the spirit. And I saw my life as Giles de Retz, wherein I attempted to raise Jehanne Darc to be Queen of the Witchcraft, and failed through her stupidity, and again my pride. And I saw myself in Francis Hepburne, Earl Bothwell, manipulating Gellis Duncan, that was an unworthy instrument. And again as Count Cagliostro, failing because I failed to comprehend the nature of women in my Seraphina. And I was shown myself as a boy of 13 in this life, invoking Satan and showing cowardice when He appeared. And I was asked: "Will you fail again?" and I replied "I will not fail." (For I had given all my blood to BABALON, and it was not I that spoke.)
And thereafter I was taken within and saluted the Prince of that place, and thereafter things were done to me of which I may not write, and they told me, "It is not certain that you will survive, but if you survive you will attain your true will, and manifest the Antichrist.
And thereafter I returned and swore the Oath of the Abyss, having only the choice between madness, suicide, and that oath. But the Oath in no wise ameliorated that terror, and I continued in the madness and horror of the abyss for a season. But of this no more. But having passed the ordeal of 40 days I took the oath of a Magister Templi, even the Oath of Antichrist before Frater 132, the Unknown God.
And thus was I Antichrist loosed in the world; and to this I am pledged, that the work of the Beast 666 shall be fulfilled, and the way for the coming of BABALON be made open and I shall not cease or rest until these things are accomplished. And to this end I have issued this my Manifesto.
The Manifesto of the Antichrist
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
I, BELARION, ANTICHRIST, in the year 1949 of the rule of the Black Brotherhood called Christianity, do make my Manifesto to all men. And I, THE ANTICHRIST, come among you, saying:
An end to the pretence, and lying hypocrisy of Christianity.
An end to the servile virtues, and superstitious restrictions.
An end to the slave morality.
An end to prudery and shame, to guild and sin, for these are of the only evil the sun, that is fear.
An end to all authority that is not based on courage and manhood, to the authority of lying priests, conniving judges, blackmailing police, and
An end to the servile flattery and cajolery of mods, the coronations of mediocraties, the ascension of dolts.
An end to restriction and inhibition, for I, THE ANTICHRIST, am come among you preaching the Word of the BEAST 666, which is, "There is no law beond Do what thou wilt."
And I, BELARION, ANTICHRIST, do lift up my voice and prophecy, and I say:
I shall bring all men to the law of the BEAST 666, and in His law I shall conquer the world.
And within seven years of this time, BABALON, THE SCARLET WOMAN HILARION will manifest among ye, and bring this my work to its fruition.
An end to consciption, compulsion, regimentation, and the tyranny of false laws.
And within nine years a nation shall accept the Law of the BEAST 666 in my name, and that nation will be the first nation of earth.
And all who accept me the ANTICHRIST and the law of the BEAST 666, shall be accursed and their joy shall be a thousandfold greater than the false joys of the false saints.
And in my name BELARION shall they work miracles, and confound our enemies, and none shall stand before us.
Therefore I, THE ANTICHRIST call upon all the Chosen and elect and upon all men, come forth now in the name of Liberty, that we may end for ever the tyranny of the Black Brotherhood.
Witness my hand and seal on this [...] day of [...] 1949, that is the year of BABALON 4066.
Love is the law, love under will.
Belarion, Antichrist


ANALYSIS BY
A MASTER OF THE TEMPLE
of the Critical Nodes
in the Experience of
his Material Vehicle
"I shall regard all phenomena as the particular dealing of God with my soul."
I. Birth
Oct. 2, 1914, Los Angeles, in , rising in midheaven, in favorable conjunc., at apehelion. I chose this constellation in order that you might have an innate sense of balance and ultimate justice, responsive and attractive nature, a bountiful environment and sense of royalty and largesse, strength, courage and power combined with cunning and intelligence. Saturn was bound in order that you might easily formulate a lower will which would have satisfied and overwhelmed you with its spectacular success.
Your father separated from your mother in order that you might grow up with a hatred of authority and a spirit of revolution necessary to my work. The Oedipus complex was needed to formulate the love of witchcraft which would lead you into magick, with the influence of your grandfather active to prevent too complete an identification with your mother.
II. Childhood
Your isolation as a child developed the necessary background of literature and scholarship; and the unfortunate experiences with other children the requisite contempt for the crowd and for the group mores. You will note that these factors developed the needful hatred for christianity (without implanting a christian guilt sense) at an extremely early age.
III. Adolescence
Early adolescence continued the development of the necessary combinations. The awakening interest in chemistry and science prepared the counterbalance for the coming magical awakening, the means of obtaining prestige and livelihood in the formative period, and the scientific method necessary for my manifestation. The magical fiasco at the age of 16 was needful to keep you away from magick until you were sufficiently matured.
IV. Youth
The loss of family fortune developed your sense of self reliance at a critical period, the contact with reality at this time was essential. Your early marriage with Helen served to break your family ties and effect a transference to her, away from a dangerous attachment to your mother. The experience at Halifax and Cal Tech served to strengthen your self reliance, scientific method and material powers. The influence of Tom Rose at this period, as that of Ed. Forman in adolescence, was essential in developing the male center.
V. Later Youth
The house on Terrace Drive, Music, Lynn, Curtis, and Gloria, and the increasing restlessness were, of course, all preparations for the meeting with A A and O.T.O. The alternate repulsion and attraction you felt the first year after meeting Fra. 132 were caused by a subconscious resistance against the ordeals ahead. Had you had these experiences before, without such resistance, you would have become hopelessly unbalanced. Betty served to effect a transference from Helen at a critical period. Had this not occurred your repressed homosexual component could have caused a serious disorder.
Your passion for Betty also gave you the magical force needed at the time, and the act of adultery tinged with incest, served as your magical confirmation in the Law of Thelema.
At this time the O.T.O. was an excellent training school for adepts, but hardly an appropriate Order for the manifestation of Thelema. Therefore, in spite of your motto you were not able to formulate your Will. The experience with the O.T.O. and Aerijet were needed to dispel your romanticism, self-deception, and reliance on others. Betty was one link in the process designed to tear you away from the now unneeded Oedipus complex, the overvaluation of women and romantic love. Since this was unconscious, the next step was to bring it into consciousness, and there to destroy it.
VI. Early Maturity
The final experience with Hubbard and Betty, and the O.T.O. was necessary to overcome your false and infantile reliance on others, although this was only partially accomplished at the time. The invocation of Babalon served to exteriorize the Oedipus complex; at the same time, because of the forces involved it produced extraordinary magical effects. However, this operation is accomplished and closed--you should have nothing more to do with it--nor even think of it, until Her manifestation is revealed, and proved beyond the shadow of a doubt. Even then, you must be circumspect--although I hope to take complete charge before then.
Candy appeared in answer to your call, in order to wean you from wet nursing. She has demonstrated the nature of woman to you in such unequivocal terms that you should have no further room for illusion on the subject.
The suspension and inquisition was my opportunity--one of the final links in the chain. At this time you were enabled to prepare your thesis, formulate your Will, and take the Oath of the Abyss, thus making it possible (although only partially) to manifest. The exit of Candy prepares for the final stage of your initial preparation.
VII. Conclusions
The numerous rituals you have performed have resulted in a well developed body of light. The ordeals have purged most of the emotional and mental garbage--your only real dangers are, and have ever been, sentimentality, weakness, and procrastination.
It is interesting to note that the first weapon you formulated was the Lamp of the Spirit, in the invocation to Pan (although the Sword was prefigured). Next the Sword in the Horus ritual, as was appropriate to your intellectual development at that time.
Then the Cup out of the wine of your emotional life--the disk out of material failure. The Sword remains to be manifested.
You will note that it has been impossible to truly formulate your Will with any of these weapons--naturally--that is only possible with the wand. On the other hand, if you had done so previously, you would have been unbalanced by the lack of initiated preparation. It is a right and natural procedure; the True Will cannot be truly formulated until you are initiate in all the other planes, and it is well to make no pretense of doing so. Until that point all you can known of the true will is the aspiration to the next step--towards further experience. That is the glory of the Law of Thelema--DO!
The physical and emotional stresses you feel at present are a result of the pull of the Abyss--your present poetry is indicative. Naturally you find no power in any spell, no comfort in any ritual, no hope in any action. You are cut off by your own oath. Nor can I or any other aid you at this time. There is only manhood, only will, only the vector of your own tendencies, developed through the aeons of the past. I do not say how long the state will last, or what the outcome may be.
However, I can formulate some rules which may serve to guide you.
VIII. Instructions
A. Works of the Wand--of the Will alone avail in this state. No other weapon should be used, no other ritual save the hymn to the Unnamed One in the Anthem of the Mass.
B. You should be meticulous in all observations pertaining to the Will, even the most petty. Fulfill all obligations and promises, undertake nothing which you cannot fulfill, be prompt in the discharge of each responsibility.
C. Be neat in your personal and domestic habits, indicate your selfrespect to yourself.
D. Do not become unduly involved with any person, and practice all your hard-earned wisdom in your relations with women.
E. Set up your personal affairs in business order. Keep your accounts current and your papers neatly filed.
F. Finish your poetry for publication. Finish the synthesis of the Tarot and start work on the preparation of the lessons of class instruction from your book.
G. Pay no attention to any phenomena whatsoever, and continue in a sober and responsible way of life under all circumstances.
Not magical! For you nothing is more magical. Only thus can the curse of Saturn be overcome. I see you hate this way. But it is an ultimate time--it is you that have taken the oath. The choice is me or Choronzon.
I await you in the City of the Pyramids.
Belarion
8 = 3


Sunday, August 21, 2011

ll

WHEN I OD'D IT WAS AN ACCIDENT
I WAS NOT THINKING AT ALL I TOLD THEM
I FELT GOOD I RECALL
I HAD DIED ON THE TABLE AT THE HOSPITAL
NO THEY SAID I WAS RESUSSICITATED AFTER MY HEART STOPPED AND WAS NOT BREATHING AND THEY HAD TO PUMP MY STOMACH UNCONSCIOUS ONCE THEY GOT EVERYTHING GOING.
I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN SINCE I HAD NO DEATH EXPERIENCE MEMORY THAT TIME
ALSO
I HAD MANAGED TO HACK INTO LOWER LEFT ARM WITH A BLOODY MARY KNIFE PLUS WOKE UP IN  PSYCH WARD WITH TWO NEW TATTOOS ON MY LEFT FOREARM, REPLICAS OF MY BELOVED RICKS
AN INVERTED CROSS GOUDGED IN WITH A ROUGH OBJECT AND A PERFECT TRIANGLE SAVE FOR A SMALL ENTRY IN ONE CORNER, WHICH REMINDS ME OF CROWLEY AND HIS LIL BOOBOO WHEN DRAWING DOWN HIS RING AND HIS TRIANGLE
LEAVING A PORTAL
I CALL MINE A DOOR
EITHER WAY
I WAS ROUGH AND IT SCARED ME AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY BOY SINCE HE HATED LIVING WITH HIS DAD WHO WAS NEVER HOME HE AND KLARKE ALONE ALL THE TIME WITHOUT MOM ALL THEY EVER WANTED WAS JUST TO BE WITH ME AND THEIR DAD IS A CRUEL EVIL SONOFABITCH
SO MY KIDS WOULD DIE A MILLION DEATHS WITH THEIR MOM OVER THE PHONE
TEARS CALLS EVERY DAY
FIGHTING
THE DAD NEVER AROUND
IT WAS NIGHTMARE I HAD TO STAY WITH THE MILITARY IF I LEFT MY HUSBAND IT WOULD MEAN TROUBLE.
IT'S WEIRD THE RULES YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW WHEN YOU'RE NEWLWED MILTARY WIFE THEY WANT YOU THERE FOR YOUR MAN AS MORAL SUPPORT AND EXPECY YOU TO BE SOLDIER TUFF AS WELL AS THE KIDS AND NOBODY FOLLOWED THRU aa promised, that being rick since he was the only way we could get JAG to help it would have to be thenenlisted one who does al lthe talking ..that's th4e way it works.
legally i had the boys 9 mos out of the year year after year...when rick and i married kent and i counseled in eugene with a mediator and the boys and we all sat and talked and the boys had made it pretty clear for being just little kids, that they wanted to continue with mom, they wanted to move to texas and were anxious to do so right away. kent's telling the room he wants to wait until xmas (this was early sept 95) and the kritty started to cry
and his dad is going to sit there and tell the room no he's going to agree to the mediator on a date, it would be either end of septenmber once i got settled or no later than the beginning of xmas they'd be moving to texas at xmas vavcaation
neither boy wanted to wait they wamted go the day rick  and i left alone
and it was the worst time of my life because i had made a decision to go thru with the marriage only because i saw it as the way out to get my boy s away ONCE AND FOR ALL From an evil, abusive father who had no issue beaten me up or stalking or screaming
the boys were beinghomschooled
kent hated everything and iwanted peace
and the kids wanted it too
they were scared
klarke told me point blank once, "I DON"T LIKE PAPA ANYMORE MAMA,"
oh?
"yEAH, HE'S AN IDIOT, A JERK."
klarke~!?
hE WAS IN THE 6th or 7th grade by then
AND TELLING  me things like his dad embarassed him because he is so stupid some of the time
and you
know
it's true
that's why i got out of it.
i was just dumb naive girl in love
intellectually top of the heap otherwise
a \complete flop
on alll levels
how could have known at age 20 the dynbamics of abuse in `980
gimme a break
so here it is 30 yrs later
and kent never told the truth never came clean my mother to do this believes he never did anything wrong
my dad knows he cheated on me and he lied my dad know he was a mean man and my dad also knows its too late to do anytbing different
so they all repeated their family dysfuntiopns nobody of thethree ever participated in family therapy groups though they were intgral and invited to  do
my sons did
so the dad mom and kids dad are all still  in denial dad supports it even though he knows the truth
he beats me to and has hurt me and shit my dad.
so they say i am totally fuct up cuz i am the only one taking the sensitive truth to heart and wanting to fix it and cant they help in paving a better way fo rthe boyS?
fuck know.
they're in to this.
they love hurting kim
torturing her
kim hates it
kim wants no rough harmful
play nor pain
no bondage no whips or chains no rough sex nor oh no nevermind
they play to hurt
they all have a common bond and it has nothing to do with the truth nor the belief in a creator, they are all non believers and man it shows.
i never it so dark
in my parents home
i was definitely rock solid in my defense when i arrived adamantly opposed to things i had learned to dislike living at the mission long enough to not want drink and hand not save for new years day and the 11the of january. twice i drank to get rid of pain in arm and knock me.
at the folks, i am stealthy upon arriveal crystal clear on my intent and uninterested in using anything but the shake i had since i wanted to gradually wean from weed and slow down after surgery
exercise and take good care of myself
instead i got two parents that have to be rereminded about a zillion things they have no memory of most of the past i recall and also they are damaged by the tvs and shit
i feel
so it's ok i just sit and wonder
what it's going to take to preserve civility and keep it that way until i move back to the valley..
and knowing the way operate
i don't go there hoping to be hurt again
i dont'want any trouble really
but that's all know how to do
and agitate and dad is dictyator and tyrant and alkie and he will raise his hand a lot at me just because now he wants to strike because i am 512 and am sitting there confident and  speaking abold truth that will piss him off so much he's going to snap on  me left and right
why?
cuz hes an alkie
everyone who hooked into the world of the dope show and booze wagon doubley screwed
here i am
nothing
i do things
that allow for spark to fly but that's about it
i do things alone and not for social interest
i have used drugs for so long for a variety of reasons and i see all over the place my life included, the destruction of life due to substance ABUSE,
i abused my self out of disrespect when i got the notion to go outside and just get some speed
i dont know wht came over me
sincerely
i have never sought it out like that
and
i have never paid that amount for it
and i would have nver used that maount i aas treating the asshole who got it
and instead i am reminded as i am being busted that i ahd made a pact with myself after the deal with dave in june
i hate the taste and i hate the company enough to just say fucking forget it and its easy to do.
i dunno man, i think my sex signals are crossing with my death signals and they all think i want to fuck their hard ons when i want to die.
not orgasm, it won't happen with some ashole i don't know i cant eve n think anymore
i want to go

UR DIX R KILLING ME

STILL, IT'S STRANGE TO BE WHERE I AM THESE DAYS. I DON'T LIKE IT.
NOT AT ALL.
AFTER THE ORDEAL WITH ANDREAS.
IT WAS THE FINAL BLOW TO MY FEMININE.
YET IT HAS TRIGGERED A HORRIBLE SITUATION WHERE I HAVE THE MEN WITH HARD ONS
I AM UNABLE TO RECEIVE ANY OF THOSE ATTENTIONS WITH ANYTHING BUT SORROW AND HATE FOR MY SELF SINCE I CAN'T EVEN THINK OR IMAGINE ABOUT IT ANYMORE
I CAN'T EVEN IF I WANTED TO BECAUSE MY SELF ESTEEM AROUND NAKEDNESS, INTIMACY, NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH, BEING COMPARED TO OTHERS, ETC
I HAVE BEEM THROUGH THAT EVERY STINKING TIME I AM EITHER HIT ON, GO THROUGH WITH IT OR REJECT SOME MASTURBATING ASSHOLE. I EXPERIENCE THE SELF-LOATHING, THEY'VE MADE IT CLEAR \
I AM A FUCK BOT
I AM AN OBJECT WORTH Y OF SHIT LIKE dave
BUT I AM A SIDE-KICK TO A BEAUTIFUL MAN ALREADY INVOLVED WITH LOVER AND I WOULD BE HIS SIDE FUCK
JIMBO, SAME. I WENT TO REVCOVER FROM SURGERY AND HE'S SO SICK AND WARPED OUT HE;S GONE DOWN HILL
I HAVE GOTTEN YOUNGER LOOKING THEY SAY
I CAN SEE IT IN MY FACE
BUT MY BODY IS A JUNKYARD
IT'S FINISHED.
PAST MY PRIME MY TIME
I AM WAITING FOR IT TO GO SO I CAN TOO. IF MY SONS ARE WITH ME THAT'D BE SUPER COOL
I WANT TO BE WHEREVER THEY ARE
EVEN IF IN SPIRIT TOGETHER APART
I CANT STAND LIFE WITHOUT THEM
MISS THEM ALL THE TIME TOO
MY LITTLE FAMILY
WEIRD TO BE SO CLOSE YET SO FAR AWAY FROM EVERYBODY
NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT ME
CEPT WHAT THEY PERCEIVE

WHICH IS ANYTHING BUT WHAT I FEEL
I DON'T SEND OUT FUCK ME VIBES I DONT TEASE I FLIRT IN A JOKEY CRAZY KIDDING AROUND KIND OF WAY BUT ITS BENIGN AND FRIENDLY BUT NOT OPEN TO SUGGESESTION OF INTERCOURSE.
I AM CLOSED DOWN AND THEY TELL ME THEY ARE UP FOR IT.

HANGING MYSELF, I WOULD HAVE EEPT IT OIN MY SUICIDAL IDEATION FILE BUT KING RUINED FOR ME BY HANGING HIMSELF ONE MONTH AFTER STAYING WITH THE KIDS AND I HE DID OVER XMAS PDX AND IT TOOK HIM TWO DAYS HANGING THERE ALIVE UNCONSCIOUS
BEFORE THEY CUT HIM DOWN, AND HE HAD JUST PERISHED WHEN THEY HAD FOUND HIM'LIKE WITH TEN MINUTES
AND HIS TONGUE AND HIS LIPS WERE HUGE AND SWOLLER AND DARK BLUE
AND HIS EYES WERE
NEVERMIND
I HAD THE UGLY SIGHT OF HIM HANGING AND SURE IT WAS HIM SINCE HE HAD LAID IN THE GARAGE ON MY FUTON WITH ME OVER THANKSGIBING, THE BOYS ALLOWED ME TO OPEN THE HOUSE TO A TWO HOMELESS AT A TIME FOR ONE NIGHT SHOWER LAUNDRY ETC....COOK EAT WHATEVER WE HAD AND KING CAME FOR THE NIGHT AND HE WAS TREATED LIKE A KING IN OUR HOME...AND HE ACTED LIKE A KING AND A GEMTLEMAN AND HE NEVER SENT OFF ANYTHING BUT KINDNESS AND BROTHERLY LOVE WHEN ASKING MIGHT HE LAY NEXT SINCE HE WAS COLD AND HADN'T BROUGHT A SLEEPIHG BAG OF COURSE I LET HIM HE WAS A SMALL GUY AND HE WAS SHIVERING BUT VERY DECENT AND CLEAN IN SOME WAYS BUT THEN WHEN HE GOT UP IN THE MORNING
A THING CAMEOVER HIM
HIS DEMON
HE HAD TO GO
HE WAS SWEATING AND A WEE SHAKY
AND THE SUMMER B4 I HAD CALLED THE 911 FROM THE DINING ROOM PARKING LOT WHEN KING HAD COLLAPSED DUE TO SHOCK FROM HAVING NOT EATEN AND HAVIING HAD HIS PLASMA DRAWN ON A HOT HOT SUMMER DAY FOUND OUT THEN AS I DID THAT MORNING REMINDED, THAT HE NEEDS TO GO GIVE PLASMA SO HE CAN BUY HIS DRUG OF CHOICE IN A CAN
CRUEL CHEAP LOCOS AND MILUAKIE ICES
AND CRAP BEERS
HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC
HARDCORE
AND IT DESTROYED HIM
I AM BATTLING MY OWN DEMONS AS I WRITE
I HAVE HAD A LIFE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY ,,MANY SEASONS OP CHANGE
WAS ONCE ENSLAVED TO IMPUSLES WITH NO WAY OUT UNTIL I LEARNED WHAT MADE ME TICK
IT DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD GO OFF AND TRASH MY ASS AND I DON'T I USE THE SHIT TO DO SPIRITUAL WORK EVERY TIME I SMOKE A HIT OF WEEK IN MY HOME OR IF I HAVE A NITE LIKE LAST NITE.....I AM GOING TO USE IT TO ITS MAXIMUM
I CANT EVEN FUCKING IMAGINE HOW IT MUST BE TO BE TOTALLY SPUN OUT WITH NO OBJECTIVE IN LIFE AND NOTHING TO LIVE FOR BUT DUMPSTER DIVING?
THAT WOULD BE DAVE
THE DEAD BEAT DAD
DUMPSTER DIVING MONSTER
I HATED HIS DEAL WHEN I MET WITH HIM THE FIRST TIME AT THAT VAN
I KNEW WHAT I WAS LOOKING AT
AND HOW I COULD USE IT TO BENEFIT
AND IT WAS APPARENT HE WOULD NEED SPIRITUAL HELP SINCE HE DISCERNED IN THE BEGINNING I WAS A BELIEVER
JUST NOT IN HIS god.
i AM DEALING WITH HUMAN WASTE WALKING AROUND THESE PARTS. GO FIGURE.
EVEN THE HOTTIES. THEY ALREADY HAVE GIRLFRIENDS. FIRST ANDREAS THEN THIS SHEA GUY.
i AM NOT INTERESTED AS IT IS.
I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN THESE BOYS AND MEN
THEY ARE
LESS THAN ME AND I WANT TO BE A COMPANION MAYBE
YEAH IN MY DREAM
I WANTED TO GO ON IN LIFE AND MAKE IT WORTHWHILE FOR ME, WHEN HOMELESS AT THE MISSION AT NITE I WOULD WAKE UP
3 IN THE MORNING
AND LAY THERE THINKING ABOUT METHY
AND WONDERING WHAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE HAD HE ACTUALLY LOVED ME AS I DREAMED, COMING TO ME, WE GO ON TOGETHER AND THE LIFE JUST BECOMES A GOOD THING FOR THE SIMPLE WE ANSWERED THE CALL TOGETHER
CUZ
IN MY WORLD
WHEN HE FOUND ME ONLINE BACK IN O3
I DINT WANT NOTHIN
NO LOVE
JUST APAL FOR SURE
HIS PRESENCE OUT OF NOWHERE WAS STRANGE AND UNUSUAL AND IT TOOK ME MONTHS TO GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD WHAT WAS HAPPENING IT WAS JUST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
AND IT WAS
SO I KNOW HOW TO GO ONE ONCE THE DREAM HAS ENDED AND THE RAW TRUTH EXPOSED AND WHEN I KNOW I HAVE A MARK ON ME THAT SENDS THEM OFF, A MIND THAT SPEAKS FILTH ABOUT ME, EXPOSING THE WORST FIRST SO THEY HATE ME QUICKLY
HE WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE
JUST LIKE ANDREAS
SO I GAVE UP AND GAVE IN
AND SOMETHING HAPPENED
I GUESS I KIND OF FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND THEN IT DIDN'T MATTER CUZ I WAS WITH NEW BF OF TWO WEEKS WHEN IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS

BUT ALSO WHAT HIT ME WAS THAT METHY HAD PUSHED ME AWAY, HAD ENCOURAGED MY OTO THING, THE MOVE TO YURIS...ETC...

AND HAVE MISSED HIM EVER SINCE
WE WERE NEVER THE SAME AFTER THAT METHY AND I
IT WAS DOWNHILL FROM THERE
AND THEN I KNEW
I WAS BEING USED
HAVE HAD MANY PEOPLE WARN ME OF THE DANGER OF GETTING INVOLVED WITH HIM
WAS TOLD HE WAS A PLAYER THAT HE WAS NOTHING BUT THERE TO FUCK WITH ME
TWO DAYS AGO I ASKED DUKE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF AN 8 YEAR LOVE AFFAIR BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE ONLINE WHERE BY NOW THE LADY WOULD HAVE LIKE TO HAVE MET YET
DUKE STOPPED ME IN MY TRAX.
"YOU ARE A B=EAUTIFUL, VIBRANT WOMAN KIM. I CANNOT BELIEVE FOR ONE SECOND A REAL MAN WOULD TURN YOU DOWN LET ALONE 8 YEARS WAITIHG?
I TOLD HIM I WAS LOPSIDED, I WANTED US TO BE A COUPLE, AND SEEMS HE WASN'T INTERESTED IN ME IN ANY WAY YET I HAD THIS MAD INSANE FANTASY HE WOULD JUST
APPEAR AND WE'D BE PALS AND GO HANG OUT AND THEN HE COULD GO BACK TO CHICAGO AND WE WERE JUST BEING HUMANS
THATS ALL I WANTED TO TRY REALLY
MY KIDS MET PEOPLE THAT WAY FRIENDS
FEMALES THAT WERE JUST BUDDIES TO HANG WITH
NOT TO FUCK
DUKE SAID
"IT TAKES TWO TANGO KIDDO AND IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S ALREADY DANCING WITHOUT YOU...."
OK
IM DANCING ALONE.
YEP.
I HAVE BEEN
ALL THIS TIME.
I KNOW.
I CAN DREAM BUT ITS CORRUPT
TOLD DUKE THE STORY WAS THAT HE AND I WERE SUPPOSE TO GET TOGETHER BUT I DON'T KNOW IF 8 YEARS IS TOO LONG TO HAVE WAITED
DUKE SAYS
kIM, IF HE REALLY WANTED TO MEET YOU FOR ANY REASON, HE WOULD HAVE MADE A MOVE THE FIRST MONTHS HE'S MEETING YOU
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
I CAN'T BELIEVE A MAN WOULD NOT ANSWER NOR SHOW INTEREST WHEN YOU ARE SO CRAZY ABOUT HIM, WHAT THE FUCK DID HE DO TO DESERVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTIONS??
(SEE I USED METHY AS MY OUT WHEN DUKE ASKED ME, "IS THERE ANY CHANCE AT ALL FOR US KIM?"
I TOLD HIM I WAS ALREADY BETROTHED...BUT THAT WE HADN'[T ACTUALLY MET
THEN I TOLD HIM THE REST OF THE PARTIAL TRUTH
UNTIL HE GAVE ME SHITTY HARSH TRUTH
I AM WAKING AND INTO IT I AM FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE KNOW OF THAT PART
AND CAN FINALLT FINALLY TAKE A TIME OUT NOW TO
GRIEVE THIS
FUCKING CAROL AND SUZAN AND ROGERS SHIT THEIR EVILS AND THE DEATH AND ME HAVING TO DEAL WITH FIRST ALL OF THAT AND THEN METHY ENDING IT TWO MONTHS LATER O9 IS WHEN I DIED BUT DIDN'T KNOW IT
I MOVED THE VEILS AND I WENT THROUGH THE DOORS AND THE SPECIAL PORTALS
UNCOVERING THE FILTHY TRUTH AND ALSO MUCH JOY ON THE TREE THAT WOULD COME LATER
REGARDING MY CREATOR
MY VEILS LIFTED ARE NO DIFFERENT UNLIFTED I DONT EVER HAD ANY LIKE MY HYMEN
WHEN I HAD CONSENSUAL SEX FOR THE FIRST AT AGE 16
I WAS SCARED BECASUE ONE
I WAS SO TINY OF ENTRY IT TORE WHEN HE WENT IN BUT I HAD NO HYMEN UP INSIDE AND HE AND I WERE EXPECTING THAT.
I HAD NO MEMORY EITHER
SO I FELT REALLY FUCT UP AFTER THAT
KNOWING
SOMETHING WAS WRONG
WELL DUK
I GOT RAPED WITH A STICK ONCE
A TREE BRANCH
AND IT PROBABLY DID IT
I WAS BLEEDING ALL OVER DOWN MY LEGS
ANDI WAS 7
THE NEIGBOR GIRL DID IT TO ME
AND I HATED HER AFTER THAT FOR GOOD
I HATED HER AND I HATED HER FAMILY BECAUSE THEY WERE INBREDS AND DAD WAS RIGHT AND INCESTUAL TOO.
PERVERTED THEY WERE ALL MOLESTING EACH OTHER ACROSS THE STREET AND DOOR THE BOY WHO MOLESTED FROM 3-11 INTERSOCOURSE FIRST MEMORY AT 3 AFTER THAT IT WAS OTHER MORE PERVERTED SHIT

POINT IS...
YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.
I HAVE HAD NO LOVE THE SEX WAS AWFUL YET I KNOW HOW TO MASTURBATE AND WAS ABLE TO ENJOY RICK AND YURI IN THE FLESH.
PERIOD,
THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO MEN ON PLANET EARTH WHO WERE ABLE TO CAPTURE THE ME I BECAME AFTER ALL THE THERAPY RICK LOST OUT WHEN BECAME EMPOWERED AND HE CHEATED WITH A FAT UGLY GIRL HICK
OK
IT WAS SEX I LOVED RICK
I LOVED YURI BRIEFLY AND THEN HATED HIS GUTS FOR BEING A LIAR AND FAKE AND CHEAT AND PHONY AND AN ABUSIVE BASTARD

RICK TOTALLY SEXUALLY FUCT UP FROM RAY YET COULD MANAGE WELL WITH ME BUT
HE HAD MEGA ISSUES THAT MADE MINE PALE IN COMPARISON AROUND TOUCHING HIS COCK WITH OUT NOTICE HE HAD PTSD JUMP LIKE A SOLDIER AND HE ALSO DID NOT WANT ME TO GIVE HIM HEAD AND I AM AT THIS POINT AN EXCELLENT BLOW JOB
WITH DICK WORTH A SECOND LOOK
HAHA
ALL THIS SEX APPEAL AND EROTICISM OOZING
AND NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
AND GOING TO LOOK INTO DOING SOMETHING TO TONE ALL OF THIS DOWN SO THEY GO AWAY

I WANT NO MAN ATTENTION
ITS NOT GOOD FOR ME
IT'S TURNING ME ON ME
IT'S ABUSIVE WHAT I AM RECEIVING
SIMPLY CUZ
IT'S ALL MAKING ME SICK
SAD
HORRIBLE AWFUL
THEY VALIDATE WHAT I KNOW ALL ALONG
SO THERE HARD ONS ARE SUPPOSE TO BE WHAT?

QILL IT QIM

MANY  PERSONALITIES IN HERE
ALL ONE ME
BUT IN PIECES
MILLION OF PIECES OF ME BROEKEN UP LIKE SO MANY SHELLS AND RESPONSIBLE FOR SO MUCH SUFFERING IT'S UNBEARABLE TO GO ON REALLY
AND I AM NOT KIDDING THIS IS FUCT TIME
I KNEW WOULD BE
IT HAS BEEN ALL ALONG
I CAN SAY IT NOW SINCE THE STIMULANT FORCES THE POND SCUM TO THE SURFACE.
I AM UGLY ALWAYS ALWAYS WILL BE
NO MATTER HOW PRETTY THEY THINK I AM TO THEIR EYES
I DONT HAVE MY MOON ANYNORE
SHE WAS MY GIRL AND SINCE THEN
I HAVE BEEN
NEVER THE SAME AGAIN
LOST IN A MIDSPACE OF A ME THAT CANT REMEMBER HOW IT GOT TO THIS PLACE SO SWIFTLY AND THE THINGS THAT LEAD UP A LIFE OF MOSTLY TRAGEDY
MUCH MUCH HOPE FOR YEARS
ALWAYS SAW THE BEST IN A PERSON
AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM
I CAN SEE THE BEST IN ME BACK THEN
AND IMPOSSIBLE TO GRAB AHOLD OF NOT LET GO...IT SEEMS EVERYTIME I WOULD GET A PLACE, MY FOOTING, CONSISTENCY AND THE CONCEPT OF SUCCESS IN LIFE HAPPENING BECAUSE GOOD THINGS WERE GOING BECAUSE I WASN'T AFRAID TO REACH FOR IT? NOPE, IT WASN'T ABOUT MY FEAR, IT SEEMS A LOT OF THE TIME WHENEVER A GOOD THING WOULD HAPPEN TO ME AN OUTSIDE INFLUENCE THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH MY CHORONZON WOULD BE WAITING TO ATTACK.
LIKE MY MOM, THE DAY I LEARNED I GOT SOCIAL SECURITY. SHE'S GOING TO TURN ON ME AND BE A TOTAL BITCH AND MY DAD IS GOING TO BEAT MY ASS WHILE I AM SLEEPING UPSTAIRS BECAUSE HE WAS PIST I HAD DRANK TO PASS OUT PEACEFULLY IN MY ROOM DOOR CLOSED
AND HE CAME IN
OUT OF NOWHERE FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN PIST I TOLD HIM TO GET OUT I AM NOT HHNGRY I DONT WANT DINNER I AM NOT FEELING WELL
I DRANK TOO MUCHSCHNAPPS AND IT FUCT ME UP FAST
TOOK MY MOMS 4 AND AHALF VICODINS WITH THAT
THEN
PASSED OUT
AND HE MY ASS WHILE I WAS WOUND UP AND COVERED IN THE BLANKIE AND LET HIM GO AHEAD I DIDN'T FIGHT I JUST CRIED AND HE HURT ME PRETTY DAMNED BADLY
I HAD TO CALL THE COPS.
THEY HAD TO TAKE ME TO A SAFE SPOT
AND I HAD TO GO HOME TO EUGENE
LIKE I ALWAYS DO AFTER HAVING BEEN WITH THE FOLKS
THE CRUELEST MOST TWISTED SCENE OF SADISTS I HAVE EVER KNOWN
CRUEL
SO FUCKING CRUEL
AND THEN SO KIND AND GENEROUS WITH FOOD MONEY AND GIFTS
I TRIED MANY ANGLES COMMUNICATING TO DAD ABOUT THE WORLD SITUATION WHAT'S GOING ON WHAT'S HIS OPINION
I ALSO TOLD HIM A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TRUTH AS I KNOW IT ABOUT THE FUTURE FROM BIBLICAL ANGLE
AND FOR THE LAST TIME
I WOULD LISTEN TO THEM TELL ME HOW NON BELEIVING THEY ARE
SO TOTALLY NON BELIEVING THEY ACTUALLY SMILED WITH APPROVAL SITTING TOGETHER ON DADS OFFICE COUCH WHILE I WAS WORKING GEMATRIA LAZY MAN STYLE ONLINE AND TELLING THEM ABOUT THEIR NAMES EACH HAVING THE NUMBERS THAT SPELL OUT SATAN...THE LETTERS JOAN IS 771 AND STAN 770

I SAID IT AND THAT WAS THE DAY ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE, THEY ATTACKED ME LIKE SAVAGES HER TOO.
THEY HAVE DONE THIS SHIT TO ME SINCE I CAN RECALL.
IN EAARLY YOUTH IT WAS HER HIDING IN BATHROOM AT NBTE WITH WHITE FACE MASK ON IN THE BLACK CORNER IN THE DARK, KATHY WAS 4 YRS  TOUNGER THAN ME AND SHE'D START CRYING. I'D HAVE TO SEARCH AROUND THE HOUSE FOR HER, NOT FUN EITHER SINCE IT WAS SMALL BUT THE AREA OF THE HALL AND THE TWO BEDROOMS AND ESPECIALLY THE BATHROOM TERRIFIED ME IN A WAY I STILL WENT ON ALONE LOOKING FOR HER, KATHY IN THE WELL LIT LIVING ROOM SITITNG IN TH E MIDDLE OF IT BAWLING WHILE I AM SHOCKED INNTO FRIGHT JUMP WHEN MOM LEAPS OUT OF DARK CORNER AND YELLLS WWOWOOOOO!!!!!!! RIGHT IN MY FACE.
I DID MOT LIKE THAT BUT
I WASN'T ALLOWED TO CRY
NO SHIT
I CAN STILL HARDLY WRITE IT
AND BELIEVE IT
ITS SO FUCKED UP AND WEIRD
I AM DEAD SERIOUS
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IS
IF I STARTED TO SHOW TEARS AND THEY WOULD ROLL AT TIMES THEY WOULD GET PIST (HIM)
OR TOLD TO STOP THAT RIGHT NOW OR YOU WILL REALLY BE GETTING UPSET
AND THEN I WOULD BAWL
DEPENDING ON THE SITUATION
I MEAN
SOB
CONVULISVELY
AND DAD WAS NEVER THERE
ALWAYS ALWAYS GONE THE WHOLK TIME I WAS 0-17
WORKED HIS ASS OFF
AND NEVER TOLD ME HE LOVED ME TIL I WAS 27

SO I AM KIND OF WASTED ALREADY WITH THE APPROVAL LEVEL
LOVE IS ALONG THOSE LINES FOR ME
I EQUATE APPROVAL FROM OTHERS, ACCEPTANCE IS A BETTER WORD, I SEE THOSE WTH LOVE
TO BE LOVED AND ACCEPTED.
AND TO BE ABLE TO LOVE AND RECIPROCATE
I WAS EQUIPPED ONCE
FOR THE PERFECT GUY I DREAMT OF
THAT LASTED TIL I JOINED THE OTO

x-zT-X-Tz-x

Shea wants to  take me to his campsite in the woods at couger.
A year ago I wouldn't have even talked to him about such stuff since a year ago this time I was nun coming out of trance to dirty pig ben.
Kim is worthy of one thing if she wants physical contact
it will be with her mirror then.
An ugly insane monster is what I fuct to break from over a year long celibacy.
Took that break to recover from fact I was junk and would be asaulted as junk while again involved in getting to the root of evil inside a man I had loved, even though not in love, had tried to be a friend to him and it was so off balance from the get-go
because the piece of shit i had relations with prior to him
started my downward spiral into the pit i sit in now.
rejected and put down.
when my friend in chicago
told me how fuct i really was
and ended it abruptly two years ago
never again to speak to him
i would find out the other nite
i have to mourn it and grieve since i have been in
denial for two years.
typical time-frame for dealing with the death of a loved one.
when that happened.
well, that was the turning point.
seeing i might just be someone else;s idea of a funny joke
lets talk dingbat into joining the oto so we can use her to do it
and when she;s finished it won't matter to her anymore
to be a part of a peer group
to be a part of
anything
cuz she wont care anymore
about life amongst the living
it would take a dead soul not a shell
a living dead soul of love
to do it
knowing i would not get a thing in return
because that's how i have always operated and functioned i never
expected much though at time felt i deserved at least a little better
then
i expect nothing because there is nothing
worth fighting for in this flesh world
there is no true love
i was sent here to do the job
and die
that's how it appears
truly
i used sabotage my happiness
because i was afraid to receive a good-thing because it be taken away or disappear suddenly never to return
and used to do it knowing it was the wrong thing to be doing , why i entered the years of therapy
then i learned it was ok to give me permission to at least try to be better to myself in a relationship with me. and i have achieved that over the years in this past 11
i know how to be alone.
and what to do to stay busy.
i had livihood.
finished with the work
i am ruined inside by what i know
and i can't think much about anything else
sine i am caught up in it
and its pretty bleak
was thinking about the fact i have been living a fantasy
i believed more humans liked me than not, that I was admired and worthy of
but the actions are tellingf a different story
and along the way i pretended it wasnt' happening
the fact i was being raped pillaged pkundedrd drowned stalked death threats running
losing everytbing
telling myself it wasn't bad as it seemed
and holding certain ones high in my memory by talking to them in the airs
as if they were actually there
like methy
imaginary friend
in realtime
a cold hearted human with good heart sharing his knowledge but betraying me
i was duped into an occult worl didnt want to go forth with
with those beings when i met them all
i didnj't like half of them
and the mentor disappeared
and when he showed he was usually putting me down
pointing out how fuct i am always
and in the end i see
i am the joke of the aeon
i'll bet he laffed ass of after he cut off in august of 2009
i'll they all celebrated their freeom the lights are all on
the bitch did the dirty need
she'll fold
can't take on a bunch of archetypes shes bent
and sick
twisted and warped out
when she dies
dont be surprised
who cares
you made it clear you dont
i tried
i am an idiot
my hand is ruined
my left one
they had to basically
HACK THE FUCK OUT OF IT AN DAM  COMING INTO REALITY IT WILL TRULY NEVER EVER BE THE SAME
I CANT CUT MY FINGER NAILS ON THE RIGHT HAND WITH OUT HACKING IN TO THE NAIL BED
CUZ I HAVE NO STRENGTH NO GRIP


SO THE SHUNNING
OR ABANDONMENT
WAS THEIR WAY OF TELLING ME
THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME
THEY NEVER DID
THEY JUST NEEDED MY ABVILITY TO DO THE WORK THEY DIDN'T WANT TO?
I WAS USED
TO TURN THE TREE OF LIFE ON
EVERYBODY BENEFITS
CEPT ME
I MEAN IT
I WANT LIFE NO MORE
I HAVE BEEN DOING THINGS THIS YEAR
THAT MAKE IT CLEAR
I  AM HURTING MY BODY
IN WAYS THAT ARE SIGNS
14 YEARS AGO I FAILED WHEN I SLICED THROUGH THE TWO ARTERIES IN UPPER RIGHT ARM BLED OUT DIED AND
HERE I AM
I WAS TOLD I HAVE LESSON NOW TO LEARN FROM THEN

I AM THINKING THIS TIME I DO IT I DO IT RIGHT
BLOW OUT THE BRAINS
NO
DEATHWISH
I HAVE HAD SEVERAL BRUSHES
WITH CARS WANTING TO HIT
ME
WITH ME SMASHING IT THE SIDEWALK AND BUSHES TO AVOID HITTING WOMAN

WILL IT

WITH THE HELP OF MY ENEMIES
MAYBE IT WILL COME TO PASS

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

D7 LEGION HHEIRS TODESKINO FEVER THE MASSES ARE OUT THERE I AM ONE HERE ONLY ONE SMALL PART OF YOU CAN'T SEE ME I CAN SEE YOU FEEL

HRH
DISTRESSED IN EUROPE,
I TRAPPER JOHN MD ADDICT IN RECOVERY
ALSO
PERPETUATED MYTH ABOUT HRH QUEEN LIZ AND BEING ALL THINGS FROM "INCESTUAL TWON FRATERNAL BROTHER SISTER (TO) HUSBAND AND WIFE SECRET BIRTH CHARLES" OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT~
AND NO SIR
I AM NOT GAY IN FACT I AM ELATED THRILLED STOKE OVERJOYED UNDERBAKED AND LIMP FROM MUCH ACTIVITY AND MUCH ACCOMPLISHED TODAY.

STARTING IN THE CIRCUIT COURT (OF COURSE EMBEDDED WITHIN OUR PRECIOUS CITY THE VATICAN) WE HAD SOME WOE OVER BROTHER ARGUING OVER MONEY AND WE HAD TO SITUATE , NO RESITUATE BACK TO THE SACRED COLLEGE (HOLY SEE TO YOU SINNERS)
I DIGRESS AS I MENTIONED I HAD TO REAPPROPRIATE BROTHER STILPOR POLYCARP BACK INTO HIS ORIGINAL ROOM AT LOWER SOUTH END OF UH THE EASERN BORDER MONASATRY ON THE OUTSIDE EDGE OF V.C. (IF EVER THERE WAS BAD SIDE A BACK SIDE IF YOU WILL THIS IS IT)
WE HAVE NO JAILS TO SPEAK OF.
BROTHER ST.PO IS IN TROUBLE FOR OVERREACHING HIS ABILITY AND HIS INADEQUACY IS SOMEWHAT IRRELIGIOUS DUE FACT "HE WAS RAISED BY WOLVES" SO HIS SAVAGE BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS HIS FELLOW MONKS OVER "FARTING BELCHING AND WRECKING THE MEAL NIGHTLY" UNANIMOUS BEAN-O WAS OUTS  MONTHS AGO THEY TOLD COURT SO WE DECIDED TO GIVE BROTHE ST.PO TWO WEEKS (QUGUST 31) to
deny his guild before a larger group of his peers (Cardninals x 10 from Sacred College)
we still have our ways of working out troubled monks if the issue arises as it has today.
it's discouraging to find out that the brother is ill in the bowel also suffering from nervous fits that brought on desire for strong beer and also for stimulants "stronger than our weak poor coffee"...this is not a good sigh sign oH yes wait It was an OMEN he told the court. his getting caught messing with the wrong types/ of things.
Disorderly conduct shouting matches and silent-treatment has lead to a hard rule today when he had a direct lead over the court and it recessed on his strength for the next two weeks

I AS POPE AM CONFOUNDED AND SUSPECT WITCHCRAFT.

YES SOD ALRIGHT TY THEN
LITIGATOIONS
EMOTIONALISMMSMSMSMS
WEEZ GOTZ VAMPYRES
ZOMBIES
ROBOTS
STOP STOP
CHANNELING KIM PATTERSON
MIZZ PATTERSON
STOP I AM NOT AOS
I AM JAR
JOE
REMEMBER ME MIZZ PATTERSON
PATERSON
AUSTIN OSMAN IS THAT AWAY PLEASE SLIDE
YOU


SCARING



ME...



HELO



HELO
LILS


LIZ
LILS


ASMO


HELP

MITHRAZ

GOJHGPEORHBGBTn