UR DIX R KILLING ME

STILL, IT'S STRANGE TO BE WHERE I AM THESE DAYS. I DON'T LIKE IT.
NOT AT ALL.
AFTER THE ORDEAL WITH ANDREAS.
IT WAS THE FINAL BLOW TO MY FEMININE.
YET IT HAS TRIGGERED A HORRIBLE SITUATION WHERE I HAVE THE MEN WITH HARD ONS
I AM UNABLE TO RECEIVE ANY OF THOSE ATTENTIONS WITH ANYTHING BUT SORROW AND HATE FOR MY SELF SINCE I CAN'T EVEN THINK OR IMAGINE ABOUT IT ANYMORE
I CAN'T EVEN IF I WANTED TO BECAUSE MY SELF ESTEEM AROUND NAKEDNESS, INTIMACY, NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH, BEING COMPARED TO OTHERS, ETC
I HAVE BEEM THROUGH THAT EVERY STINKING TIME I AM EITHER HIT ON, GO THROUGH WITH IT OR REJECT SOME MASTURBATING ASSHOLE. I EXPERIENCE THE SELF-LOATHING, THEY'VE MADE IT CLEAR \
I AM A FUCK BOT
I AM AN OBJECT WORTH Y OF SHIT LIKE dave
BUT I AM A SIDE-KICK TO A BEAUTIFUL MAN ALREADY INVOLVED WITH LOVER AND I WOULD BE HIS SIDE FUCK
JIMBO, SAME. I WENT TO REVCOVER FROM SURGERY AND HE'S SO SICK AND WARPED OUT HE;S GONE DOWN HILL
I HAVE GOTTEN YOUNGER LOOKING THEY SAY
I CAN SEE IT IN MY FACE
BUT MY BODY IS A JUNKYARD
IT'S FINISHED.
PAST MY PRIME MY TIME
I AM WAITING FOR IT TO GO SO I CAN TOO. IF MY SONS ARE WITH ME THAT'D BE SUPER COOL
I WANT TO BE WHEREVER THEY ARE
EVEN IF IN SPIRIT TOGETHER APART
I CANT STAND LIFE WITHOUT THEM
MISS THEM ALL THE TIME TOO
MY LITTLE FAMILY
WEIRD TO BE SO CLOSE YET SO FAR AWAY FROM EVERYBODY
NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT ME
CEPT WHAT THEY PERCEIVE

WHICH IS ANYTHING BUT WHAT I FEEL
I DON'T SEND OUT FUCK ME VIBES I DONT TEASE I FLIRT IN A JOKEY CRAZY KIDDING AROUND KIND OF WAY BUT ITS BENIGN AND FRIENDLY BUT NOT OPEN TO SUGGESESTION OF INTERCOURSE.
I AM CLOSED DOWN AND THEY TELL ME THEY ARE UP FOR IT.

HANGING MYSELF, I WOULD HAVE EEPT IT OIN MY SUICIDAL IDEATION FILE BUT KING RUINED FOR ME BY HANGING HIMSELF ONE MONTH AFTER STAYING WITH THE KIDS AND I HE DID OVER XMAS PDX AND IT TOOK HIM TWO DAYS HANGING THERE ALIVE UNCONSCIOUS
BEFORE THEY CUT HIM DOWN, AND HE HAD JUST PERISHED WHEN THEY HAD FOUND HIM'LIKE WITH TEN MINUTES
AND HIS TONGUE AND HIS LIPS WERE HUGE AND SWOLLER AND DARK BLUE
AND HIS EYES WERE
NEVERMIND
I HAD THE UGLY SIGHT OF HIM HANGING AND SURE IT WAS HIM SINCE HE HAD LAID IN THE GARAGE ON MY FUTON WITH ME OVER THANKSGIBING, THE BOYS ALLOWED ME TO OPEN THE HOUSE TO A TWO HOMELESS AT A TIME FOR ONE NIGHT SHOWER LAUNDRY ETC....COOK EAT WHATEVER WE HAD AND KING CAME FOR THE NIGHT AND HE WAS TREATED LIKE A KING IN OUR HOME...AND HE ACTED LIKE A KING AND A GEMTLEMAN AND HE NEVER SENT OFF ANYTHING BUT KINDNESS AND BROTHERLY LOVE WHEN ASKING MIGHT HE LAY NEXT SINCE HE WAS COLD AND HADN'T BROUGHT A SLEEPIHG BAG OF COURSE I LET HIM HE WAS A SMALL GUY AND HE WAS SHIVERING BUT VERY DECENT AND CLEAN IN SOME WAYS BUT THEN WHEN HE GOT UP IN THE MORNING
A THING CAMEOVER HIM
HIS DEMON
HE HAD TO GO
HE WAS SWEATING AND A WEE SHAKY
AND THE SUMMER B4 I HAD CALLED THE 911 FROM THE DINING ROOM PARKING LOT WHEN KING HAD COLLAPSED DUE TO SHOCK FROM HAVING NOT EATEN AND HAVIING HAD HIS PLASMA DRAWN ON A HOT HOT SUMMER DAY FOUND OUT THEN AS I DID THAT MORNING REMINDED, THAT HE NEEDS TO GO GIVE PLASMA SO HE CAN BUY HIS DRUG OF CHOICE IN A CAN
CRUEL CHEAP LOCOS AND MILUAKIE ICES
AND CRAP BEERS
HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC
HARDCORE
AND IT DESTROYED HIM
I AM BATTLING MY OWN DEMONS AS I WRITE
I HAVE HAD A LIFE TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY ,,MANY SEASONS OP CHANGE
WAS ONCE ENSLAVED TO IMPUSLES WITH NO WAY OUT UNTIL I LEARNED WHAT MADE ME TICK
IT DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD GO OFF AND TRASH MY ASS AND I DON'T I USE THE SHIT TO DO SPIRITUAL WORK EVERY TIME I SMOKE A HIT OF WEEK IN MY HOME OR IF I HAVE A NITE LIKE LAST NITE.....I AM GOING TO USE IT TO ITS MAXIMUM
I CANT EVEN FUCKING IMAGINE HOW IT MUST BE TO BE TOTALLY SPUN OUT WITH NO OBJECTIVE IN LIFE AND NOTHING TO LIVE FOR BUT DUMPSTER DIVING?
THAT WOULD BE DAVE
THE DEAD BEAT DAD
DUMPSTER DIVING MONSTER
I HATED HIS DEAL WHEN I MET WITH HIM THE FIRST TIME AT THAT VAN
I KNEW WHAT I WAS LOOKING AT
AND HOW I COULD USE IT TO BENEFIT
AND IT WAS APPARENT HE WOULD NEED SPIRITUAL HELP SINCE HE DISCERNED IN THE BEGINNING I WAS A BELIEVER
JUST NOT IN HIS god.
i AM DEALING WITH HUMAN WASTE WALKING AROUND THESE PARTS. GO FIGURE.
EVEN THE HOTTIES. THEY ALREADY HAVE GIRLFRIENDS. FIRST ANDREAS THEN THIS SHEA GUY.
i AM NOT INTERESTED AS IT IS.
I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN THESE BOYS AND MEN
THEY ARE
LESS THAN ME AND I WANT TO BE A COMPANION MAYBE
YEAH IN MY DREAM
I WANTED TO GO ON IN LIFE AND MAKE IT WORTHWHILE FOR ME, WHEN HOMELESS AT THE MISSION AT NITE I WOULD WAKE UP
3 IN THE MORNING
AND LAY THERE THINKING ABOUT METHY
AND WONDERING WHAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE HAD HE ACTUALLY LOVED ME AS I DREAMED, COMING TO ME, WE GO ON TOGETHER AND THE LIFE JUST BECOMES A GOOD THING FOR THE SIMPLE WE ANSWERED THE CALL TOGETHER
CUZ
IN MY WORLD
WHEN HE FOUND ME ONLINE BACK IN O3
I DINT WANT NOTHIN
NO LOVE
JUST APAL FOR SURE
HIS PRESENCE OUT OF NOWHERE WAS STRANGE AND UNUSUAL AND IT TOOK ME MONTHS TO GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD WHAT WAS HAPPENING IT WAS JUST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE
AND IT WAS
SO I KNOW HOW TO GO ONE ONCE THE DREAM HAS ENDED AND THE RAW TRUTH EXPOSED AND WHEN I KNOW I HAVE A MARK ON ME THAT SENDS THEM OFF, A MIND THAT SPEAKS FILTH ABOUT ME, EXPOSING THE WORST FIRST SO THEY HATE ME QUICKLY
HE WOULDN'T LEAVE ME ALONE
JUST LIKE ANDREAS
SO I GAVE UP AND GAVE IN
AND SOMETHING HAPPENED
I GUESS I KIND OF FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND THEN IT DIDN'T MATTER CUZ I WAS WITH NEW BF OF TWO WEEKS WHEN IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS

BUT ALSO WHAT HIT ME WAS THAT METHY HAD PUSHED ME AWAY, HAD ENCOURAGED MY OTO THING, THE MOVE TO YURIS...ETC...

AND HAVE MISSED HIM EVER SINCE
WE WERE NEVER THE SAME AFTER THAT METHY AND I
IT WAS DOWNHILL FROM THERE
AND THEN I KNEW
I WAS BEING USED
HAVE HAD MANY PEOPLE WARN ME OF THE DANGER OF GETTING INVOLVED WITH HIM
WAS TOLD HE WAS A PLAYER THAT HE WAS NOTHING BUT THERE TO FUCK WITH ME
TWO DAYS AGO I ASKED DUKE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF AN 8 YEAR LOVE AFFAIR BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE ONLINE WHERE BY NOW THE LADY WOULD HAVE LIKE TO HAVE MET YET
DUKE STOPPED ME IN MY TRAX.
"YOU ARE A B=EAUTIFUL, VIBRANT WOMAN KIM. I CANNOT BELIEVE FOR ONE SECOND A REAL MAN WOULD TURN YOU DOWN LET ALONE 8 YEARS WAITIHG?
I TOLD HIM I WAS LOPSIDED, I WANTED US TO BE A COUPLE, AND SEEMS HE WASN'T INTERESTED IN ME IN ANY WAY YET I HAD THIS MAD INSANE FANTASY HE WOULD JUST
APPEAR AND WE'D BE PALS AND GO HANG OUT AND THEN HE COULD GO BACK TO CHICAGO AND WE WERE JUST BEING HUMANS
THATS ALL I WANTED TO TRY REALLY
MY KIDS MET PEOPLE THAT WAY FRIENDS
FEMALES THAT WERE JUST BUDDIES TO HANG WITH
NOT TO FUCK
DUKE SAID
"IT TAKES TWO TANGO KIDDO AND IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S ALREADY DANCING WITHOUT YOU...."
OK
IM DANCING ALONE.
YEP.
I HAVE BEEN
ALL THIS TIME.
I KNOW.
I CAN DREAM BUT ITS CORRUPT
TOLD DUKE THE STORY WAS THAT HE AND I WERE SUPPOSE TO GET TOGETHER BUT I DON'T KNOW IF 8 YEARS IS TOO LONG TO HAVE WAITED
DUKE SAYS
kIM, IF HE REALLY WANTED TO MEET YOU FOR ANY REASON, HE WOULD HAVE MADE A MOVE THE FIRST MONTHS HE'S MEETING YOU
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
I CAN'T BELIEVE A MAN WOULD NOT ANSWER NOR SHOW INTEREST WHEN YOU ARE SO CRAZY ABOUT HIM, WHAT THE FUCK DID HE DO TO DESERVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTIONS??
(SEE I USED METHY AS MY OUT WHEN DUKE ASKED ME, "IS THERE ANY CHANCE AT ALL FOR US KIM?"
I TOLD HIM I WAS ALREADY BETROTHED...BUT THAT WE HADN'[T ACTUALLY MET
THEN I TOLD HIM THE REST OF THE PARTIAL TRUTH
UNTIL HE GAVE ME SHITTY HARSH TRUTH
I AM WAKING AND INTO IT I AM FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE KNOW OF THAT PART
AND CAN FINALLT FINALLY TAKE A TIME OUT NOW TO
GRIEVE THIS
FUCKING CAROL AND SUZAN AND ROGERS SHIT THEIR EVILS AND THE DEATH AND ME HAVING TO DEAL WITH FIRST ALL OF THAT AND THEN METHY ENDING IT TWO MONTHS LATER O9 IS WHEN I DIED BUT DIDN'T KNOW IT
I MOVED THE VEILS AND I WENT THROUGH THE DOORS AND THE SPECIAL PORTALS
UNCOVERING THE FILTHY TRUTH AND ALSO MUCH JOY ON THE TREE THAT WOULD COME LATER
REGARDING MY CREATOR
MY VEILS LIFTED ARE NO DIFFERENT UNLIFTED I DONT EVER HAD ANY LIKE MY HYMEN
WHEN I HAD CONSENSUAL SEX FOR THE FIRST AT AGE 16
I WAS SCARED BECASUE ONE
I WAS SO TINY OF ENTRY IT TORE WHEN HE WENT IN BUT I HAD NO HYMEN UP INSIDE AND HE AND I WERE EXPECTING THAT.
I HAD NO MEMORY EITHER
SO I FELT REALLY FUCT UP AFTER THAT
KNOWING
SOMETHING WAS WRONG
WELL DUK
I GOT RAPED WITH A STICK ONCE
A TREE BRANCH
AND IT PROBABLY DID IT
I WAS BLEEDING ALL OVER DOWN MY LEGS
ANDI WAS 7
THE NEIGBOR GIRL DID IT TO ME
AND I HATED HER AFTER THAT FOR GOOD
I HATED HER AND I HATED HER FAMILY BECAUSE THEY WERE INBREDS AND DAD WAS RIGHT AND INCESTUAL TOO.
PERVERTED THEY WERE ALL MOLESTING EACH OTHER ACROSS THE STREET AND DOOR THE BOY WHO MOLESTED FROM 3-11 INTERSOCOURSE FIRST MEMORY AT 3 AFTER THAT IT WAS OTHER MORE PERVERTED SHIT

POINT IS...
YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.
I HAVE HAD NO LOVE THE SEX WAS AWFUL YET I KNOW HOW TO MASTURBATE AND WAS ABLE TO ENJOY RICK AND YURI IN THE FLESH.
PERIOD,
THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO MEN ON PLANET EARTH WHO WERE ABLE TO CAPTURE THE ME I BECAME AFTER ALL THE THERAPY RICK LOST OUT WHEN BECAME EMPOWERED AND HE CHEATED WITH A FAT UGLY GIRL HICK
OK
IT WAS SEX I LOVED RICK
I LOVED YURI BRIEFLY AND THEN HATED HIS GUTS FOR BEING A LIAR AND FAKE AND CHEAT AND PHONY AND AN ABUSIVE BASTARD

RICK TOTALLY SEXUALLY FUCT UP FROM RAY YET COULD MANAGE WELL WITH ME BUT
HE HAD MEGA ISSUES THAT MADE MINE PALE IN COMPARISON AROUND TOUCHING HIS COCK WITH OUT NOTICE HE HAD PTSD JUMP LIKE A SOLDIER AND HE ALSO DID NOT WANT ME TO GIVE HIM HEAD AND I AM AT THIS POINT AN EXCELLENT BLOW JOB
WITH DICK WORTH A SECOND LOOK
HAHA
ALL THIS SEX APPEAL AND EROTICISM OOZING
AND NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
AND GOING TO LOOK INTO DOING SOMETHING TO TONE ALL OF THIS DOWN SO THEY GO AWAY

I WANT NO MAN ATTENTION
ITS NOT GOOD FOR ME
IT'S TURNING ME ON ME
IT'S ABUSIVE WHAT I AM RECEIVING
SIMPLY CUZ
IT'S ALL MAKING ME SICK
SAD
HORRIBLE AWFUL
THEY VALIDATE WHAT I KNOW ALL ALONG
SO THERE HARD ONS ARE SUPPOSE TO BE WHAT?